4/10/2022. 9:14 pm. Stoughton, Ma.

Five months have passed since I last saw you and these wounds are still so fresh.

I’ve been writing nonstop.

Sobbing nonstop.

I’ve created palaces from paragraphs, drowning it’s people with my tears on your behalf.

I’ve exhaled each letter of your name, scouring them from my tongue, hoping the taste of your betrayal finally subsides— begging your absence is lifted from my chest and I am able to breathe once again.

My heart still cracks my ribs at the very thought of your skin against mine, yet slows when reminded of the bitter reality and heartache that followed when you left me for him.

I’ve confronted the blood spilled with each slice of your name across my chest…

I’ve stood face to face against death after every line I’d snort and hit I’d take— this was the only way for me to feel anything but that wretched one-sided love you cursed me to suffer.

Though, every time I’d wake up from my drug-induced comas, what I truly wished for was to face him and leave his as broken as you did my heart.

To move my gun from my head to his. That one bullet with my name written on it, between the eyes of another.

I’d die for you, I’d kill for you, my dear.

But don’t fuss, I know you still love him, my dear. No matter what you say, there can never be an us…

I was raised in violence. I’ve fought to survive and I fought for you, my dear.

I’ve screamed no over and over again and I tried to mean it. I swear I tried, my dear.

“No she doesn’t love me” I’d remind myself.

“No I won’t suffer anymore” I’d promise every time tears would hang from my lashes.

“No… my heart, body, and soul are not yours to toy with anymore.” I’d keep to myself because I didn’t want to lose you… I couldn’t.

Months have passed since I last saw you and my wounds are still so fresh.

Bandaging them did nothing but stall the impending infection— the poisoning of an unreciprocated love. So instead I lick them.

I taste the blood dripping, feeding on the metallic taste of my pain and resentment.

Did you hear my heart calling for you all those silent nights?

Did you feel my tears on your skin every time the skies would cry?

My life is yours.

My body and heart rest between each of your cold, cold hands.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts so bad to be in love. Perhaps this is where I should admit defeat… Yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t have it any other way.

I want you to understand my love. I want you to understand why my heart tears itself apart hoping you one day care. But alas, I’m stuck once again.

Im chained to the thoughts of what could have been. Lies I allowed to plague my new found innocence.

Yes, I still love you.

Yes, I will always love you.

But it’s time I let go.

It’s finally time I allow myself to be loved.

And trust—

I will love again.

-g.

---

2:38 am. “Punished.”

And again I find myself awake wondering where I went wrong. It’s been a month since I’ve cried— I almost got used to the fact that you wouldn’t come back…

God, I felt myself finally succumbing to the drugs and empty sex.

Yet, as always you hold on to me from a thread. Telling me you love me while you’re with another man.

Telling me you miss me while you’re with another man…

Is that what you told him after we’d finish fucking?

When you’d breathe the words “I love you” into my mouth after each pump, we’re they for me? Or did you have him on your mind?

I don’t know what to believe anymore. And again… I let myself fall. I let myself land underneath the sole of you foot once— allowing you to crush my heart with no remorse just like the last three times.

It’s been so long since I’ve cried this much.

I wanted it to be you who told me that I am loved. I wanted it to be you who told me I am cared for.

I wanted it to be you who told me that I am not alone…

Instead it is the naked body of another woman wrapped around my own. Deep brown eyes that I can’t seem to lose myself in. Melanin skin that resembles a goddess… Yet, I find no solace in her arms. I find no peace when her lips touch my own…

Because they are not yours…

Maybe that’s why I cried so much this time around…

I want to be loved…

And I am… I finally feel everything I’ve been searching for.

But not by you. Oh, I can’t lead her on the same way you did me— deep down I know my heart belongs to only you.

Deep down I know that every kiss I plant on her shoulder is meant for you.

I see your face when I fuck her.

I hear your moans when I cum.

I taste you every time she secretes.

She’s not you. She’s perfect for a me that didn’t meet you… But that’s not how love works, babe.

I can’t erase everything I feel for you. I can’t give her my heart because you’re the one I gave it to. You’re the one I decided to trust after spending a whole year crying over another…

Now you’re the one who got away. You’re the one who resides in my mind. You’re the one who I desire love from.

And I hate it.

God, how I grew to hate my deep, deep love.