2.4.2022. 8:03 pm. Brockton, Ma.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen..

A life once filled with sex, kisses, and you can only imagine what other pleasure; now only a life of desperation. Constant crying for the attention of another.

To have it all one second just to have it torn to pieces by the very person you once thought you’d marry?

Is there any other hell worse?

Two years have passed since I found hell in the shape of heartbreak and once again I’m suffering the same fate I once thought I had escaped. A fate I barely triumphed, with a 9 in one hand and a bag of my favorite drugs in the other…

If life with her wasn’t hell enough, I’m sure that bullet lodged in my bathroom wall could’ve introduced me to a hell far more putrid. One that could’ve kept me reliving my regrets over and over and over again.

Oh, how I wish I could be woken from the nightmare of facing my pain all alone…

Because that’s all I ever am when I pursue love.

Alone.

But I knew that. I always have.

It was early 2021, and how I dealt with heartbreak was seething in my brain. Year after year I’d relive the pain. Yet, I was far from deterred.

Having a pretty lil’ face to kiss and spoil makes all the stress worth it right?

I mean, all I wanted is somebody to die for. Someone to give me purpose.

Can you blame me?

If you saw the women I’d fall for, you’d be in love too. I guarantee it. Those faces. Those bodies. Works of art I’d savor with my tongue and hands every chance I got.

And the hole I’d try to fill with the presence of women whom I knew could never love me, it was a cycle I refused to end.

Besides, having somebody to kill for. Somebody who loves me for me. It makes everything worth it. The sinning. The pain. The broken faith. All of it.

My immoralities became a piece of my character. My identity revolved around my crimes as long as it was in the name of love.

Everything I’ve done.

Everything I will continue to do.

All for love.

Because love is fucking beautiful. Being in love is fucking beautiful…

But the hurt?

The loss that follows when they finally leave you for the mother fucker they actually want?

There’s nothing that could describe that humiliation.

Why don’t their friends, mothers, and siblings tell them how wrong they are, right before they cheat or run back to the clown that doesn’t value them?

Like, do they not give a fuck about the pain they just caused?

Or is everyone as selfish as I am?

If only they just said;

“Listen biiiiitch,

This dumb mother fucker actually loves you! Maybe you shouldn’t burn him for a herb ass clown that beats your dumb ass every time you fuck up (as you claim).

Unless of course, you lied? But you wouldn’t do that right?

Well aside from the hundreds of lies you keep telling him..”

Then my life could be different. If they listened to the voices that influence every little decision, maybe I’d be happy too.

It’s all a trip right?

Love is a trip. Love is subjective. Love is a contradiction.

Being the person who gets told of your flaws but accepts you regardless; that’s what makes one think about where their loyalties lie.

I mean, I sure as shit still loved her once I saw her truth. Shit, even when my friends would respond to her betrayals they’d say;

“You can literally have any b*tch you want! Why are you so stuck on this one?”

Time after time, yet I didn’t listen. I didn’t let anyone tell me who I can or can’t love. Unfortunately, the latter only listens when they allow their doubts to overwhelm their feelings and reasoning.

And what about when she started seeing only a fraction of my own flaws?

Damn.

It makes the guilt catch up. Karma really is a bitch.

Everyone you hurt to protect those you love. Those whom you assumed loved you in return..

The pieces of yourself that you lost from crossing so many lines just a few years prior… It all eventually turns into a “blue moon” occurrence ‘cause nobody touches what’s mine, right?

There isn’t a line I personally wouldn’t fucking cross because for me; Love prevails. Every. Fucking. Time.

And yeah, I see the flaw in that logic.

No I’m not admitting to shit. All I’m saying is that it’s so very possible to lose yourself pursuing someone who doesn’t love you back. It’s so easy to be influenced by the hidden agendas of those only looking to manipulate you.

Okay, okay. Yeah I contradicted myself wholeheartedly this past year… And?

I decided to open my heart one last time.

What of it?

I love being in love.

And it will be the death of me. I knew that the second I found myself neck deep in felonies time and time again all because I thought my ex was mine and I was protecting what is mine.

And I’d do it all again. That’s what nobody understands.

Yes, the mighty has fallen.

Once again he finds himself locked in his room, wasting PTO, writing about his sins and heartbreaks while doing his favorite fucking drugs, cause what else does he have?

Tell me.

What the fuck else does this once-all-mighty have?

Shit.

Because as always, I put far too much trust in someone whose pain rivals my own. Someone who obviously had no intention in loving me. And now I’m slicing names across my chest, barely awake for more than an hour every twelve because why the fuck would anyone want to be sober?

Why would anybody want to deal with all of this pain? This heartbreak? And the cold?

God, I hate the winter.

Whatever though.

It’s the same damn sob story I write about every time I fucking miss her… You’ve all read this before.

I saw, I chased, I loved, I cherished, I lost, and now I’m broken.

A never ending cycle. One that started when I was 17 years old with the one girl I thought I’d still be with.

The one woman whom I had first pictured a “forever” with.

10 years flys by when you’re trying to get over one woman by starting a family with another woman you now resent.

A woman who fed on your worst qualities rather than your best and made you the cold son of a bitch you keep trying to be…

Because in all honesty?

It’s so much easier to hate. It’s so much easier to not give a fuck about anyone that’s not you or your loved one(s).

It’s just never as strong nor as pure as the first.

I can’t keep slapping my own forehead repeatedly telling myself;

“She never loved you.

They never loved you.

Get the fuck over them already!!

Don’t you have a new lil’ somethin’ somethin’ or two that potentially care??”

Hold up…

Didn’t you say that every other time I fell in love/got played for an idiot?

I swear my conscience would rather I keep to myself…

Well, it wouldn’t be that bad of an idea actually.

Whatever honestly…

I never actually learned how to love myself so I’m stuck finding love anywhere else, accepting the same bullshit I always do.

This is my curse.

To face my demons and give in to their influence.

Yes, I’ve always had an addictive personality, hence my brand new addiction.

Her.

Yeah, yeah.

Usually I just give in to my typical routine; me stealing from myself, trading another few years to smoking, snorting, fucking, and slicing my pain away.

Self-harm, self-destruction, and laying naked— on the border of pure euphoria and overdose— beside a woman has always been what I pictured heaven to be.

It’s all I know.

Except half the time I’m laying down on the verge of death, sweating profusely while having my neck and chest licked and sucked on; accompanied by a woman I don’t want, rather than being with the woman I need.

All while I stare at pictures of her at the dead of night.

Wishing I was with her for a change..

Wishing I was good enough for her..

But that’s the thing;

My addictions constantly begin at the exact point where my pain makes way. No matter how many women I love with all my heart, then inevitably grow to hate, this cycle of temporary pleasures mixed with the heart wrenching pain of betrayal, infidelity, and manipulation have always kept me following the same footsteps.

I’ve said “I love her so much” thousands of times by now. Constantly professing how deeply and vigilantly I crave this woman…

Someone whose name leaves me hypnotized every time I say it and keeps my heart speeding, violently thumping at my rib cage, cracking two or three every few minutes..

Though, it seems like I’m in love with the same woman in different bodies every damn time due to how familiar this pain and love feels whenever I find myself ready to give everything up.

I keep saying I’ll delete all these damn pictures but I can’t help but cry uncontrollably every time I gather enough strength to even open her album.

She’s a beauty.

She’s so fucking gorgeous…

God, there’s no amount of words that could describe how attracted I am to her.

Though, I could see her story from a mere glance. The amount of tears she’s shed, the love she has for another, the suffering she’s endured— all stained under her eyes.

Yet somehow I believed I could be the one to carry the weight of her pain and baggage atop of my own and still have the face to love her as she deserves..

Honestly, I didn’t know what she deserved..

Fuck, I still don’t.

I opened myself up just to be torn apart once out of my shell. So in all honesty, I want to say she doesn’t deserve shit. But that’s not how love works.

I love deeply. I hurt even deeper. Yet, I still can’t find it in myself to leave. I still can’t find it in myself to hurt her back.

I mean, there isn’t much of anything I could do to hurt her back regardless. In order to do that, she has to love me too. Unfortunately, out of everything her eyes told me, love towards me wasn’t something they spoke of.

So what am I still waiting for?

I can’t be loved by her. I can’t hurt her. So what is keeping me so attached to her memory?

I’ve never been one to linger for too long..

Yeah, I’ve been heartbroken before. This is nothing new.

In fact, I should be used to the heart wrenching feeling of self-pity and resentment. My whole damn life revolves around heartbreak and disappointment, so why am I still stuck in this emotional strut?

I mean, life has gotten better to an extent. The second half of January 2022 has been pretty good if you ask me.

And now it’s February, almost Valentine’s Day and I’ve met several women whom I did not have to chase. Those whom actually value my time and affection, so much so that they’re constantly begging for more of me, my time, my body…

Actually, it seems as if I am reliving exactly what she experienced when dealing with me…

After months of one person messaging me, trying to make plans, sending me illicit photos, and listening to songs I’d suggest just to relate to my taste; I finally decided to give her a chance. And yes, I’m intrigued!

But she’s not her.

She’s not the one I want.

Is this what my current love felt when I’d constantly beg for her to make time for me?

The bother of someone you truly don’t want giving you the attention you desire from someone else until you finally give in?

Shit…

Was I just an annoyance that got lucky enough to fall in love this whole time? If that isn’t the definition of a one-sided love, I don’t know what is…

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I deserve more.

I remember a time where I got everything I now crave!

You know, the random nudes. The back to back phone calls. Even random messages at 2 – 3 in the morning while my son sleeps beside me, saying;

“Are you up?”

“I want to cuddle…”

“Come over.”

“I miss you…”

That’s how I know I am capable of being loved too. Or maybe I was just being used for my body, time and money…

It doesn’t matter honestly. To me, it was all the same. Sex, affection, affirmations. I could care less as long as it was genuine. I felt as if I was their first choice and that’s what made my confidence skyrocket.

I want to be a first choice for once. But to someone who wants me as much as I want them. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to keep being the rebound. I don’t want these women I desire love from to keep leaving me for other clowns whom they are “in love with.”

I want the woman I love to see me and think they’re the luckiest woman in the world no matter what my flaws and sins are.

But she didn’t give me that.

My flaws and sins were grounds for break up. They automatically meant that she would “live a life she refuses to live again.” So she left. Without giving me a chance to show her I can do better.

She left.

I keep thinking about it and I keep coming to the same conclusion…

It wouldn’t be fair to anyone else if I did settle. While waiting for someone who didn’t pick me first has been a huge slap in the face these past couple of months.

See, I hold my pride dearly.

I’ve waited and waited. Knowing that another man enjoys the very skin I once did, telling myself that “she’ll be back.”

Hoping that she soon realize I can give her everything she deserves.

My resources, my heart, and my pure intentions would be good enough to make her happy, yet that would mean accepting that her own heartbreak would be the means of my own happiness.

I can’t live like that.

I can’t be happy knowing that she’s only with me because he fucked up again. And what happens when they see each other at another “party”.

Would my value end there again?

Is that where they rekindle their relationship again?

And I get tossed aside like rotten meat again?

It seems as if I only useful whenever she wants to make this bitch made mother fucker jealous. I would’ve accepted that a couple of weeks ago but not now. Not tonight. And not ever again.

The mighty may have fallen but they stand back up.

For I will no longer allow myself wallow in self-pity. This love is finally turning into anger. And I’m starting to feel disgust for what I’ve put up with over the last 2-3 months.

Can you imagine being the center of someone else’s world? To be loved no matter how dark you past may be? To be judged on your character rather than who you once were?

That is what I deserve.

I don’t deserve the shit I’ve been putting up with. I don’t deserve to be told “I’m still in love with him” while being kept as a back up incase it doesn’t work out again.

When did I become the one who chases??

When did I lose sight of my own value?

I never thought I’d stoop so low… To beg someone else for their time. To cry out how much I love someone who has no intention to show a shred of mutuality. Not even a response.

I could sit here like an idiot with my dick in my hand and text her all of these emotional messages expressing how much I love her and how amazing I think she is, but still be ignored because I’m not the person she wants to hear those words from.

I’m done embarrassing myself.

No more.

Never again.

I will hold my heart tightly before I ever place it in the hands of someone undeserving again.

Yes, I love her so fucking much.

I would give her everything I possibly could to make her happy. But there won’t be a fourth time. I refuse to come second any longer.

Everyone of my loves have revolved around them settling for me. And I refuse to be the back up any longer.

I can be loved too.

I can have sex too.

I can have fun too.

I will love again.

-g.

---

To my lovely, lovely readers,

Once again I thank you all for putting up with another rant of mine. Can you tell how miserable I am?? Without getting into detail, I’ve been stuck between waiting and leaving for months.

I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

Do you know how it feels to be treated like an option? Do you know how demeaning it is to spill your fucking heart out to someone just for them to leave you on “read”?

It’s embarrassing. I promised myself years ago that I wouldn’t let myself fall for anyone who doesn’t want me.

But alas, I’m hurt. I’m in love. And I finally finished writing my next book.

“She loves me, She loves me not,” is finally done. I’ve said everything I possibly could to this mystery person. All I need to do is edit each piece and make final changes before publishing it. So just give me till spring the latest, guys!!

But yeah. Thank you to all! And I’ll probably leave you with something before or on Valentine’s Day. Depending on who I decide to spoil that day 😏😏😏 cause yeah, I got options this year.

Best,

G.