1.12.22. 7:39 pm. Brockton, Ma.

Drugs. Sex. Self-harm. And empty bonds that hold no value to my corrupt moralities.

So many reticent behaviors that resemble how deeply I loathe, now that my love was taken for granted once again.

I know you believed your own lies at one point. I also know you were never willing to build a future with me. What I don’t know is if you were always planning on hurting me…

Yet, deep down I know the answer and it hurts just as much as you leaving me for another. Again.

God, I love you so much.

I’ve seen so many endings in my heart and each revolved around you by my deathbed, reminding me of how perfect my life was..

Family, laughter, love, and commitment. Values I assumed we both had most in common..

Though, here I lay with the taste of cigarettes and my favorite drug in the back of my throat.

Exactly where your breath used to hit when you’d breathe in how much you “loved me” every time we’d fuck.

No amount of drug induced sleeps could ever erase the pain of realization. No matter how numb I’ve felt since the day you left, I can’t let go of the torture I still feel.

I’ve gotten so used to finding myself between overdose and pure euphoria; with my mind divided between the pain of reality and the calamity of dreams so vivid, I used to wish I’d never wake up.

But once I stopped dreaming about us, the reality that you don’t love me would follow and haunt me.

Seeing your smile. Seeing you get more and more beautiful every fucking day.

I wish I never opened up to you. The 3% of myself that I showed you was obviously far too much for you to handle. I’m sorry if I scared you away. I regret thinking you were strong enough/even interested in getting to know the real me.

Besides, we both know if I had showed you any more of my truth, you wouldn’t have lasted as long as you did.

You wouldn’t have bothered to shower me with affections meant for another.

Which begs the question;

Was anything ever real?

When you’d tell me how much you loved to fuck me; was it really me or did you have him on your mind?

When you’d let me kiss you as much as I wanted, then would kiss me back almost as much; would you savor my taste or crave another’s?

When you came back on my birthday with empty apologies and false promises that you would never leave me again?

Shit, why am I even asking this one?

I realized it was a lie the second you told me who you were with when you “thought” of me.

But before that, I truly believed you. I fell every single time knowing it was all an act. The same played out routine I’ve experienced hundreds of times before.

Because it was you.

I would’ve believed anything as long as it was your thick lips that moved.

But you’re not the first to play me for a fool.

And for that reason, I don’t blame you.

I blame myself for falling for your beauty.

I blame myself for falling for your touch.

I blame myself for falling in love.

No amount of drugs could make me forget how complete I felt.

No amount of sex could make me forget how much I believed that you were the one.

And now I have another few;

Taking your place with claims of abuse, deception, and emotional trauma. The same spiel you told me.

Words that make me weak.

Words that make me want to save and provide.

But I don’t buy it anymore. I wish them my best and refuse to fall for another act. I have no place in my heart for another sob story.

You may have tricked me into falling in love with your charade but I know better now. And I can’t keep trusting these insincere cries for help.

I can’t keep saving women whom only want to be saved financially and sexually.

Yes, my love is deep enough for the world [even though I directed it solely to you]. But I refuse to let in anyone else who doesn’t plan on staying.

I refuse to be used and led on again. So I will ignore every one of them.

I have you to thank for finally opening my eyes.

I have you to thank for showing me that love isn’t the same as it was 10 years ago.

 

Drugs. Sex. Self-harm. And empty bonds that hold no value to my corrupt moralities.

So many reticent behaviors that resemble how deeply I loathe now that my love was taken for granted once again.

No matter how much I cut my life down with sins most familiar to myself; I take my time in finding my place. I take my time in finding true love.

I refuse to rush any longer. I refuse to give my all to those whom visibly don’t have my best interests at heart. I refuse to slice the name of anymore women into my flesh.

Im running out of room on my body for temporary affection and affirmations.

I once thought love to be generosity, but thanks to you, I am learning to be selfish. I am starting to understand why I’m always the one with no happy ending.

Love is selfish.

And I spent my life trying to tend to the love of others’. So for that reason, I close my heart’s window. I close my heart’s door. And I no longer wait for anyone who could take advantage of my generosity and heroic persona.

So mark my words, babe. I’ll continue to live happily in my drug induced Dreamland; reminiscing on better times, for this reality is one of pain. I will snort each line with patience. I will pop each pill knowing I will one day be loved. And I will pour each shot with hope slowing my heart.

No matter how little life I have left, I will take my time.

I will keep being selfish until my intuition tells me otherwise.

And I will love again.

|Love is selfish

Another piece from my newest (kind of) project. One I started working on early 2021. It was meant to be a corny little gift to a woman I cared so much about…

One whose left me time and time again. And truth is, I was still waiting for her even though she left me again.. but after today, I see where I stand. A slap in the face would have been far less painful than my constant realizations. I can feel how little I mean to her.

Thus leading me to write “She loves me, She loves me not.” A book that now highlights my journey through love found and love lost. The many pieces give readers an inside look on how deeply I love and how far my pain runs.

From loving the first woman I’ve loved since my last near-decade long relationship, to losing her. I express my many ideals and opinions on what it means to love unconditionally and without any kind of reciprocation.

One-sided loves are the most painful. Hopefully those who punish others will come to realize how damaging it could truly be.

So there we have it. Expect this project within the next two months!

– g.