1.5.21 10:38 pm. Brockton, Ma.

My loyalty holds no limitations. Had you told me to wait forever, I would have… Even if I knew you were never coming back.

That is the best way I could describe my love for you. And yes, I remain an optimist that you will one day realize my love is genuine, though I grow weary each time I see your name but no care to how I’m doing.

The anger I have towards myself, the anger I have towards my heart; Both drive me to self-harm, self-destruction, self-medicating, and self-pity.

Isn’t it funny how cycles always end back at the beginning? You knew that I knew you’d always end up leaving. Yet you continued to play with my heart, wondering how long I’d last.

I’d love you, you’d leave me, then you’d come back with the same promises as before.

Perhaps this time around, I’ll learn to love myself enough to end this cycle at 3.

One can only dream…

For this cycle is one of pain but also of pleasure and you’ll never know how badly I yearn for you. The thought of feeling you, running my lips down each crevice as your skin blushes…

O, how I’d savor every inch of you. How my eyes would roll back to the music we’d make every time our hips danced to the rhythm of your moans and your sweet kisses…

It all drives me to depression… Knowing I’ll never get to do any of that again.

If you could only see my thoughts and feel what I feel, perhaps then you’d have thought twice before taking my heart and tearing it to shreds. Though, even with an empty cavity in my chest, I still smile because I assume you cared for me at some point…

Am I right?

I mean, I doubt it…

Though, I really hope I’m right..

Because that is an assumption that’s haunted me since the first time you left me for another.

I wish you knew how badly I wanted to be the one that you turned to with cries and laughs. But it’s gotten to the point where the longer I hold out for you, the harder it gets to keep my heart’s door open…

The hinges continue to rust every time the skies cry and the wind blows harder and harder after each passing day you are not by my side…

Months have passed and I still get drenched in tears every time I stare at your smile…

While my heart’s door gets heavier and heavier, and my arms weaker and weaker…

I don’t want to close it just yet..

I hoped you’d come back.

But three times is enough, and I won’t give you a chance to break my heart a fourth.

No matter how painful it is to see you upload new pictures, as if you want me to see them, I know that I’m not in your mind.

I know that you have another laying beside you staring at you. Kissing you. Constantly praying;

“God, your creation is one of beauty. Perfection even. I have found the one I refuse to let go of! For she is the embodiment of all that is pure and she is as stunning as the sun’s set. I can’t get enough of her sweet, sweet kisses. I can’t let go of her beautiful, beautiful body.

God, your creation is one of beauty. And I will be the chalice that keeps her from spilling. For her love is my own, and I will inebriate myself to the taste of her affections. There is no other man that could ever love her as I do!”

As I once did.

Word for word. The same prayer I would recite while also praying you never let go. A prayer short lived, for the empty skies never blessed a Union so unique. A match so unheard of.

Are my sins really that heavy that I couldn’t keep this one blessing? Did “God” tell you of all my past crimes? Is that what drove you into the arms of another?

I’ve lived a life of sin. One I love almost as much as I love you. And I put a pause to all that is unholy. All the violence that once plagued my life. I let it all go for you.

Though, my change did not make you stay. My change will not bring you back. You’ve made it clear as day.

I suffer from the aftermath of a relationship I once believed would bring light to my life. I suffer from the aftermath of falling prey to words as empty as my heart. I suffer from the aftermath of falling in love with someone whom I knew would never love me back, and I do it all alone.

Knowledge has always been my blessing. My mind has always been my most dangerous weapon. But this time my mind has failed me… For not even it could keep my heart from craving yours.

But alas, no matter how strong my mind may be, no matter how many prayers I recite in your name; the destruction you left behind is not one you will fix. I must brood upon days so cold for the aftermath of your torture will haunt me for weeks to come…

So I let go.

I will search.

And I will love again.

All I wanted was for you to love me.

-g.

Side note:

I’ve been working on three separate projects. All of which will be ready hopefully by this year. Though, there’s one I’m sure I’ll have done soon. I haven’t decided on the title yet, im debating between “All you had to do was love me” or “She loves me, She loves me not” (cover concepts below) and as always, I remain completely indecisive. It’s funny cause I started this one back in like February or March , idk. It was supposed to be a “gift,” per se, for someone I knew I’d fall deeply in love with. Like, I knew it in my heart. THATS how confident I was. I wanted it to be like a one year anniversary gift or something corny like that. Filled with love poems and writings. I actually have almost 8 months worth of pieces, filled with attempts to put my love into words. I would’ve named THAT one “The Flower &The Butterfly.”

But of course things don’t ever work as I plan and now it revolves around love found and love lost. As always. Out of the hundreds I originally wrote, I’m only using like 20-30 and have to write at least another 80-90 new pieces to describe the aftermath of love lost/The grueling process behind healing. Either way, for those who care, that’s an inside look on my primary project at the moment. As always “s a d b o y: a poetry collection” is available on Amazon.

“f l o w e r b o y” will be ready by the end of 2022..

“The modernization of love and infidelity” might take a bit longer since it’s an actual book with actual research… and honestly I’ve been writing this one for like 2 years and my opinions and experiences keep changing… so I might have to rewrite a lot.

Be well.

Book cover concepts:

Concept #1.

Concept #2