Good evening to all. I’m not sure if anyone has noticed but I’ve been posting a tad more consistently! 😊

For those of you who’ve been reading, I’m sure you noticed my change of style. While it all remains confessional, I decided to take a more diary-type/gothic stance on my writing.

I hate repeating myself so I’ll keep this update short…

Yeah, yeah, yeah… Everyone knows!

I’m heartbroken again. I can already hear you guys saying;

“Gotdamn!!!

Does he ever shut up?? All he does is bitch and cry about how much of a simp he is! Okay we get it!!!

He. Can’t. Keep. A. Girl. 😡🤬🤣”

Good eye!! It’s so true! I’ve always been a “simp.”

But Jesus Christ! Can I not have a hobby where I could release my anger, depression, and yearnings without any damn judgement? Please leave me be. I’m hurt guyz, I need this since I don’t have her… Or anyone now that I think about it. 🤔

Anyways, I’ve always been fascinated with the topic of loving and being loved…

Love lost and love found…

From early childhood I still remember listening to my fathers “old people music” (as I used to call it) that constantly revolved around heartbreak, making love to women, and being in love. All in Spanish of course! We all know that those who speak Spanish/come from Latinx countries are far more passionate than those who don’t. It’s a fact.

But yeah, love lost and love found. Two of humanity’s most difficult topics to understand. It’s unbelievably subjective and never mutual because we really can’t hope to know if our partner actually loves us or not. We have to just trust their word. Let alone understand it.

Regardless, I took an interest in the topic. Eventually making it my purpose.

Luis Fonsi was one of my inspirations as I grew from teen to young adult, so many years ago. “Yo no me doy por vencido,” he’d sing. Promising that he wouldn’t give up on her. And I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just find another woman until I finally fell in love. The heart wants who the heart wants.

He later did something I still can’t do after all these years… Something my ancestors thought impossible;

He put how much he loved/needed her into words.

Fonsi’s experience with love found throughout this song balanced out the negative. Driving me to accept the crushing reality that my love is far too overwhelming for just anyone.

Marco Masini was another artist whom (while much older) had also influenced my taste in music and love. He sang “Por amarte demasiado tu me ignoras.” Speaking on a woman who’d ignore his love for her.

He portrays the pain he caused out of love for her, and the pain he faced upon realizing her truth… her infidelity, her disinterest and her lack of love.

So just like the rest, he followed in the footsteps of our heartbroken brethren who’ve experienced love lost.

Desperation. Confusion. Violence. Realization. Self-Destruction/Self-Harm.

It’s sad really… Imagine if she answered his phone call/texts? Imagine if she told him she wasn’t interested instead of leading him on? There would be no pain, no resentment, no violence, and no self-destruction/harm.

Even in my case;

My past experiences had driven me to such abuse and more… From drug abuse to slicing her name across my stomach and chest, I needed to feel more than just broken. I needed a permanent reminder of how she drove me to such lengths so I continue to fail in the one that matters most.

Anyways!

To answer that rhetorical questioning. NO! I refuse to shut up! I’m going to keep writing about her, them, and my feelings on a day to day basis.

I mean can you blame me?

Whether I’m hurt or not, I love to write about everything and everyone I’m passionate about! Whomever or whatever they may be each time around. And yes, I have many pieces where I write about how much I care for her and I love her. But I have a specific theme going on here!

Besides, it’s cold outside…

It’s winter…

Tis’ the season of depression and hearts so cold. Which means I will write accordingly.

Damn… My heart’s window is still open! Waiting for her to realize how deeply I loved her. Waiting for her to realize I am the one who will love her unconditionally. And I know it’s cold. I’m shivering, trying to keep my heart from freezing anymore, but nothing will keep me from waiting for her no matter how deep the frost bites.

Forever if I have to…

You know what?

I have been waiting for quite a while… It’d be a shame if I died of frost bite, hypothermia, and heart break without showing you a different side of me 🤔

Okay fine…

I’ll include one of my pieces where I’m actually positive for a change. At the end of the day, it’s still relevant today. Mainly because I still care for her.

It’s a piece dedicated to how I felt the second I decided to reach out to her.

See, it was all new to me.

Reaching out to someone I didn’t already know was a challenge in itself. And I’ve never been the type to chase anyone due to my crippling fear of rejection. I hate it…

It makes me feel as if I am not worthy of anyone’s attention. But I also understand that my fear is influenced by my insecurities whispering in each ear. I understand that everyone has their own preferences, their own stories, and frankly, it’s hard to open up to just anyone.

Besides, I’ve done my fair share of ignoring or rejecting so it’d be hypocritical of me if I act a victim for having it done to me for a change. Though, another feeling I’m all too familiar with is the depression one feels after a break up.

Break ups torment me to no end.

They drive me mad, they tear into my heart and completely destroy its innocence. I even tend to stay awake for days at a time, completely ruining my sleep schedule.

Point is, I’m currently distraught as you all know…

I am truly hurt by the fact that once again, I couldn’t keep a woman I loved happy. To fail someone you care so much about is one of the worst feelings we could possibly feel.

Is that my fault though?

Is it on me if she just doesn’t feel anything more than just a temporary crush?

Yes and no.

While we can’t control what others feel about us, we can at the very least influence said feelings by speaking their love language.

I wanted to learn her’s more than anything, but in all honesty, I haven’t seriously dated in almost 8 years before I met her… I was so used to being with the same woman (the mother of my children) that I’d lost all common sense and prior knowledge on how different women truly are from each other.

I allowed my toxic masculinity to take over and assumed that being nice, buying her things, and being the stereotypical “gentleman” would win her over! Then due to my own insecurities, I destroyed any efforts I made by victimizing myself every time we’d have a disagreement.

Yes, that’s on me. I get that. And I beat myself up every single day.

When I met her, it felt as if my prayers had been answered at last. I’ve never felt so strongly about someone I didn’t even know. Just from the sight of her I felt an instant and euphoric connection! As if my heart was calling out for hers, convincing my mind to reach out…

And when she finally answered, it felt as if I finally had someone whom I genuinely assumed could possibly be the one… Until I pushed her away slowly by shutting down. By assuming the worst of her. By assuming that she was just like the rest every time she’d ask for exactly what I had initially given her to grasp her attention.

I saw her requests for consistency as her using me; when in reality it was me who had changed. I had given her a tiny taste of what our life could be if we were to actually be “boyfriend and girlfriend” just to take it away when she’d tell me she’s not ready for more commitment…

I hate myself for that.

I hate myself for being hurt.

I hate myself for expecting more while knowing not everyone wants the same thing.

I hate myself for leading her on…

This whole time I assumed that I was the victim because I loved her so deeply… But I loved her in a language only I knew how to speak. A language that didn’t resonate with her in the same manner as it did, myself.

It took me rereading almost all of our messages from the day we met, up until now to truly understand what she meant every time she’d say that I’m not the same person as before (I’m paraphrasing of course). My responses were always selfish and ignorant, as if I were the prize and she was lucky to have me.

Ugh… I cringe at that thought. That arrogance is such a hideous quality. It’s beneath me… yet I still played the part perfectly.

I wasn’t respecting her feelings.

I wasn’t respecting her past.

And I was completely overlooking why she felt the way she did towards me. It wasn’t the materialistic things that she cared about, it was the sense of security and consistency I initially provided that [I believe] mattered the most to her. Or maybe I’m over thinking things? I became skeptic.

Regardless, it was clear that her fears revolved around dealing with individuals who always have an ulterior motive. I can see how overwhelming it could be. So many of my own relationships with women, “friends” and more, consisted of that deception.

That’s where our main issues came into fruition. My insecurities. My ideology of “rewarding upon commitment.” My inability to truly understand her feelings and confusing them with manipulation. I was scarred. I was afraid. And that’s how she must’ve felt..

I understand her now.

Is it too late? Perhaps… Actually, yes it’s unbelievably too late and I’m fucking heartbroken over it. (I wish I wasn’t so emotional and attached).

This is another mistake I must live with. I overplayed my hand and got upset when she expected me to stick to my word. I showed her the real me from the start– rather than easing her into it– and got upset when she demanded I continue to value her as she deserves.

She had grown used to my “affection.”

Again, I saw myself as the prize because I knew everything I could provide. I knew that I could be “a good significant other.” And YES! It’s 110% true! I know I’m a catch!

But so is she.

And not realizing that right away has been my biggest most destructive regret…

At the end of the day, I wanted her. I asked her for a chance to get to know her. So that means, I am the one who should be chasing her night and day until she sees what she means to me. Until she feels as valuable as she truly is. That was supposed to be my job and I lost sight of that as soon as she started caring… According to her, at least.

Either way, I lost her…

The woman who I idiotically assumed would actually love me for me; Lost. And I miss her guyz. I really do. But it’s over now and I need to move on.

But yeah. I need y’all to keep this one thing in mind as you read on, please;

I love deeper than anyone she will ever meet.

Fact.

It’s that love that has driven me to unspeakable lengths. She never put me in a predicament where I’d have to prove my love which was comforting at first! I liked taking things at my own pace but I also love showing off my love. I wanted to show her off because she’s the most beautiful, the sexiest… (God I can’t even write about her with out getting riled up!!) I’ll just leave it at that. *sweats profusely*

But alas, our views on love and affection differed.

And I know she is also capable of such love, it just takes the right man to bring it out. A man who is consistent and unapologetically loyal to her.

But yo, was that not me??

Was I not loyal?

Consistent?

I was for a while I suppose… but again, I’d feel used, I’d feel unappreciated, and I’d allow my insecurities to overwhelm me.

Still… As soon as I felt like the interest was mutual, I cut off any stragglers I had left. I blocked numbers and my focus shifted directly to her. And anytime we’d take a break I’d wait for her.

I was obsessive. Loyal to a fault.

Just “not” that consistent! I guess.

Until the biggest revelation/disappointment of our short relationship came along…

At first I thought it could be me who’d earn her genuine love, but slowly she drifted. Slowly I noticed where her attention and love truly lied.

Let’s just say it wasn’t with me…

Was it ever? Doubtful.

Was that my fault? Ehh it could go either way, but it still messed with my self esteem so much that my insecurities multiplied ten fold.

Did I just come into her life at the wrong time? At a time where she was confused, heartbroken, and still in love with someone else? I mean yeah, obviously. Thats true for all of us!

Even I was still angry, in love, and willing to risk it all over again.. but I respected her. I never betrayed her with my feelings or with another person. I wasn’t fucking around whenever we’d “take a break.” And I’m positive I’m the only one who could say that.

How else do you expect to get over an ex?

Okay, okay! There’s plenty of healthier methods, such as loving yourself. Except, if you’re anything like me, you don’t love yourself and that’s okay!

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still hurt and in love with my ex at the time of meeting this new woman. We all grieve differently. We all move forward differently. So I understand why she loves one but not the other, sadly. Though personally, I was tired of watching my ex live her life while I waited for an impossibility. There was no going back and I was tired of being the go-to/rebound.

Besides, I was ready to love again. I was ready to move on. And I was ready to start a new chapter/my final chapter.

In my eyes, our relationship was almost perfect. She was perfect. But the mind becomes blind when it is flooded with the euphoria of love.

I was happy. Just me. But the person I needed most was not happy… She wasn’t happy with me and I didn’t notice until she told me.

I couldn’t make her feel the feelings she wanted to…

But whenever I decided to pay attention to her, I still made it all about me.

Ugh. Self-victimization. Another one of my biggest downfalls. 😩

If I could apologize I would. But I know all chances are lost… Should I have given up so easily? I didn’t want to… I swear I didn’t want to. But I don’t handle rejection too well. I’ve been broken since she left.

And I’ve tried to reach out on a couple occasions but her silence speaks all truths. Her silence was deafening.

Now, I need a accept that there is no more “we.”

A couple months have passed, and yes! I’ve matured. I’ve learned from this pain. I’ve learned from my mistakes. But some habits die hard. And one I refuse to let go of is the distance I put the second I feel unwanted.

I will always keep my distance if I feel like a nuisance. I will always keep my distance if I feel like I am not worthy.

And there is still so much left unsaid, but I swallowed my pride and my need to get the last word long ago.

Besides, I know I can make someone happy if given the opportunity and the love I require.

It’s who I am.

But again, I lay here typing out another update on how sad my little life is. Shifting blame, avoiding any kind of responsibility because I’m too scared to accept how selfish and childish I can be.

I don’t need anyone telling me how unhealthy it is to dwell in the past. I know it is. And one thing you’ll learn, if you haven’t already, is that I live in the past.

From staring at old pictures to rereading old text messages, I keep myself distracted by what could’ve been, rather than facing what is now dead.

Plus, if you knew this girl, I’m sure you’d fall in love with her just as fast. You’d be just as obsessed as I am…

But as always, I digress.

Originally, the whole point of this introduction was actually to let my lovely, lovely readers know how my projects are coming along!

To remind you; “s a d b o y: a poetry collection” the revised version is available on Amazon.

Then “f l o w e r b o y” should be ready by the middle/end of 2022. Sadboy spoke on everything I’ve faced in my life. From love to heartbreak, social injustices to addiction, etc. I spoke on so many issues that shaped my childhood and adulthood. For this book I wanted to show how much my life has improved (which it has) but I’m uninspired at the moment. So it might take longer than expected depending on how this next project goes…

Which is currently “Untitled.” I’m planning on making it a “series”/a collection, per se. A collection that revolves specifically around love found and love lost. I just don’t know if I should speak on every single experience in one book or if I should separate each experience as their own individual book. I’ve been through so much over the years so it won’t be hard to finish, but i just gotta actually make the hard decisions, feel me.

So yeah! That’s where I’m at guyz.

Life goes on no matter how badly I want it to end.

Christmas is over, the new year is a few days away, and I’m still stuck on my last lovey. I wish our emotions would reset every year just so I wouldn’t have to keep myself awake every single night, wondering if I should finally text her.

Besides, even if I did. I know she won’t reply…

(Update: I was right. I reached out cause I thought “fuck it, I miss her and luv her. We only live once.” And got ignored of course.

She proved that the other day. But the lack of response shows me how little I mean.

Whatever though, please enjoy my next few pieces guyz.

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2.13.21. 6:08 pm. Brockton, Ma.

It’s been a day since I came across you…

So serious. So elegant. And that smile? Pure art. It’s shine is so blinding! Tens of miles apart, and I can still feel it brightening the darkest corners of my heart…

 

What is this sense of curiosity I feel?

 

I’ve never felt so desperate to learn someone’s name. To hear someone’s voice. I bet it’s as captivating as that smile you seemingly barely show…

 

Oh my heart! Why is my heart racing?

 

So many beautiful women I’ve lusted over, yet none have ever made my heart thump as violently as you have. You show not even an inch of skin and I am already on the verge of love.

 

Who are you? I need to know…

 

Your name, your story, and why my heart sinks at the very sight of you…

 

You keep yourself shielded, protected from people as broken as myself… I understand, you don’t need anymore heartbreak.

 

But listen to me when I say;

my intentions are pure.

Listen to me when I say,

We’re the same, you and I. Distant. Broken. Afraid. That’s exactly why I understand you.

I can feel the deep pain you hide behind your sad, sad eyes.

 

I’m even starting to understand why my heart craves yours. So now, I want you to see that my love comes with no price.

 

And no, I’ve never been one to wait, but baby, I can already tell you’re worth an indefinite patience. So I will wait, I will chase, and if I must, I will love.

 

Because the mystery that shrouds you is calling my name. This feeling of a premature love is tugging at my heart’s strings.

 

Now, if I say ‘hello,’

Will you say it back?

|I saw and now, I love

12.24.21. 4:48 am. Brockton, Ma.

My mind is racing.

My heart is racing.

My stomach is empty.

My eyes feel heavy.

I’ve been in bed for most of the day. I brushed my teeth, I smoked a cigarette… but after feeling the frost setting over my body, I haven’t stepped outside again. I haven’t even gotten up to shower nor eat.

I’m drowning…

I’m struggling to keep afloat…

The crashing waves. The chains tied around my body that constantly pull me down… It’s endless. All of it.

This constant feeling of my heart sinking, while beating so hard that I can actually feel my ribs cracking. Its all I’ve felt for what feels like forever…

For weeks. For months. For years.

I feel my lungs filling with pity and I can’t breath.

I’ve lost everything that matters to me again…

Time and time again, I freeze. I hesitate. I get stuck. I just can’t seem to move forward.

Are you surprised?

The more heart I pour, the deeper it hurts and the longer it takes for me to recover. It seems as if I hit a plateau of mediocrity.

Yes, I want to do better. Yes, I want to be better.

But it takes more…

I want that more. I need more.

I know I have to move forward. I know I can’t dwell on the past, but it’s all so… Repetitive. Redundant. I’m staring to find comfort in the darkness. I lost myself.

And yes, I fulfilled my one exception;

I lost myself pursuing love rather than feeding hate.

The one scenario where I’d give in to my darkness and allow it to overwhelm my once innocent heart. Love is everything to me. Love is my sole purpose, even if it means spreading it and receiving none.

I’ve grown used to how unfair life can be. How one sided love can be… I’ve had years of practice.

I’ve been through it all.

Endured it all. Naïvely accepted it all.

Time is moving so fast.

Far too fast for my liking…

And I am a flower torn by its stem from its home. Where she once saw the beauty in me; the lack of affection, attention, nourishment, and love had caused me to wilt and wither. Now my petals continue to grow old, blowing away with each gust of wind as I recite ‘she loves me… she loves me not.’

I’m hoping that she one day come back and replant her warm lips upon my dulled skin. For such sweet affections will repair whats been broken so many times over…

Only she can save me from a death so cold…

Only she can save me from drying up alone…

But alas, I am a mere flower to a sun.

A single stop for the curious butterfly who knows it’s beauty.

|Racing Mind &A Racing Heart

---

12.29.21. 10:23 am. Brockton, Ma.

I keep rereading old text messages over and over and over again.

Constantly reminding myself why I can’t keep caring. I want to stop. I need to stop.

But I can’t…

My life has revolved around the lack of mutuality for as long as I could remember.

My childhood so painful.

My young adulthood so painful.

My life… Painful.

I want to blame her for my pain. I want her to feel the same torment I have been feeling for such a long time. But I know it’s not her fault. I know that love is subjective.

Something that must be earned… Even if it never comes…

Love is never the same twice.

So I hold on to my pain with no outlet to relieve such terrors.

I’ve been awake for so long. The lack of sleep is driving me to do things I wouldn’t normally do.

I want to reach out and tell her how hurt I am…

I want her to know how badly I miss her…

But I can’t. That urge dissipates the second I remember her final words…

Then I find myself in the dark once more…

I keep rereading old text messages over and over and over again.

Continuously breaking my heart because I keep trying to find something I didn’t see before… Maybe it was all a misunderstanding? Maybe I misread what she said? Maybe I just failed to grasp the true meaning behind her words?

But it’s been weeks…

And I keep realizing the same conclusion time and time again…

It’s me.

I am the sole reason for her departure.

Because if it wasn’t me, if I was exactly who she wanted me to be, then I wouldn’t be laying here by myself. I wouldn’t be contemplating every single decision I’ve ever made. I wouldn’t be thinking about what future I have left.

I’m alone..

I’m always alone…

|g. delgado