12.15.21. 3:50am, Brockton, Ma.

I lay in bed with my window wide open, letting winter’s breeze fill my room in the same manner she once filled my heart. Only now my heart is as cold as this room. For her departure from my side was as untimely as winter’s inevitable arrival.

Her touch still lingers, even when I wrap myself in such thick blankets to ease the coldness of her body’s absence. I can still feel her breathe wrapping around my neck with each of winter’s whispers.

That is why I must not close this window just yet.

I can’t…

I can’t…

I can’t risk losing her forever.

What if she comes back and sees that my heart’s window is closed?

My heart is withered and broken; I cannot bare another loss… not anymore.

So I will wait.

I will endure the cold, regardless of how empty my bed may be without her. I will justify her absence as merely a break. A much needed break from the difficulties of dealing with someone as broken as I; for she is not the only one whose left when I needed them most. A reason I understand wholeheartedly…

So I will wait;

For her, for her touch, for her love, for her realization that our hearts became one the second our bodies met in coitus.

My room, now flooded with winter’s breath, reminds me so much of how isolated she left me… Yet the thought of her is the one thing that keeps me close to her in her absence. It keeps me from pulling astray; for her final words sliced deeper than any blade yet her kisses contradicted each and every slice.

The resentment behind each word did not match the need for affection I felt behind each of her kisses. I can tell that she too craves love. I can tell that she too searches for love in all the wrong places… Deep down her heart knows that we are meant to bathe each other in our own affirmations. But she must also feel the glamour behind each kiss if we are to come together once more.

For that reason I leave my window open.

For that reason I faithfully save her spot.

It is the hope that perhaps I will one day be worthy of her love that keeps me from succumbing to frost’s chilled bite. The hope that she will soon open her own heart and realize our bond is of sun and earth, that keeps me from becoming as cold and barren as the moon.

Where the warm waves of summer had once heated my room, her presence too made my skin blush with each of her warm kisses. And just alike, her absence corresponds with the winds of winter and how cold my heart is [how cold my body is]; without her…

I lay in bed with my window wide open, letting winter’s breeze fill my room in the same manner she once filled my heart.

And it’s getting colder with each passing minute.

I once assumed that leaving my window open would balance the heat and cold; but summer is long over, fall only recently ended, and winter has only just arrived. It arrived the second she decided that I was no longer worth another spring, summer, or fall. For seasons had divided so elegantly upon her will, leaving four seasons to truly grasp her absence when love was only just found…

But alas, I no longer fear the isolation. I no longer fear the cold. It’s is the thought of her finally loving me that keeps me warm.

No matter how much my body shivers.

No matter how much my body aches.

No matter how much my body craves.

I refuse to pull myself upright and close the window from such frozen winds. I may be withdrawing from her touch, but I will continue to wait for her to return. For her light had guided me from the terrors of my darkness, now I must have faith that our bond is strong enough for her to find her way back home.

Back to me.

I have been cold many times before, but this time around, I will not succumb to my fears. I will not succumb to such sharp winds.

My window will remain open;

For she is the only one who can warm my now frozen heart.

I just hope I am not wrong.

-g.

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My Lonely and Desperate Heart…

1:04pm 12.15.21. Brockton, MA.

Winter is here and I am still awake, reminiscing and rereading old messages.

My heart keeps asking me why I let my pride get in the way again…

So many broken hearts, so many experiences that never happened. Yet this time around, I truly wanted more. I truly believed that I was finally enough. But I was wrong.

How did I not see it?

How does my heart still not see it?

Every time I try to justify where I went wrong, I find myself reading over words that tore right through me. I want to hate her. I want to forget her. But my heart loves so deeply… I still remember a time when I did not care about words. And I never realized the weight behind every truth until I finally experienced true love.

Now I am too scared to let anyone else in but I can’t seem control my heart. I can’t control its needs and desires.

No matter how many battles I lose…

No matter how many tears I shed…

No many how many times it breaks…

It continues to want… It continues to love.

And this time around, it wants her. It craves her. It beats solely for her. And I keep trying to ignore its desperate justifications as to why she left. I try to remind it of how badly her words stung, but my heart continues to forgive. Deep down my heart knows that she feels nothing towards us. It felt her heart beat for another every time our skins met.

Yet, no matter the weight behind her truth and each of her painful words;

It continues to want… it continues to love.

So alas, another night with no sleep has passed and I can’t help but miss her. I can’t help but love her. All because my heart insists on being a hopeless romantic.

– g.