Years have passed since I last considered myself “innocent.” Believe it or not, it took me until I turned 25 or so, to start doubting in the authenticity of “love.” I even began to doubt the true intentions of those whom I once considered my loves, my friends, my family, etc. From facing betrayals of all kinds, I always tried my hardest to see the good in people. I tried to put myself in others’ shoes and understand why they did what they did.

Whether it be one of my “best friends” spreading rumors about me (the second I started making more money than them or when I bought my girl a house while he was still living in his mother’s kitchen with his family) to my own girl betraying me with nameless nobodies (who would’ve each caught bullets had I found out a few years after); I tried my hardest to understand why.

I mean there has to be a reason as to why anybody would want to hurt me, right?

Regardless of the answer, my innocence remained in tact for years after. I forgave, I never forgot, but I forgave. To me, they were everything. Their sole presence meant the world to me. I tossed aside my own family, for the family that I semi-consciously chose. The reason I say that is because I was black out drunk for most of the beginning parts of my longest relationship. The relationship that ended up breaking me, as a man and as an innocent.

See, I never had any real interest in my baby mother at first. But her obsession over me ended with me being fucked against my will and waking up with hickies, barely remembering the night prior… Keep in mind, I was still getting over my first love/ex. So there wasn’t any true feelings there until I had finally gotten over said ex, two years later.

Point is, I felt obligated to be with this new (at the time) woman because breaking her heart was not something I wanted to do. My guilt had flooded every other emotion and I stood there between two. One who never loved me, and one who claimed to love me.

(Well actually there was three in total but I was going through my “hoe” phase… my life would’ve been different had I given the latter a chance instead. Regardless, shes not worth mentioning.)

Anyways. I’ve always been the one that women leave. In my mind, I never wanted to be the heartbreaker because I always asked myself; “what if I regret it later?” The thought of leaving someone just to run back a few days later seemed a little too damaging for my over inflated ego. I never wanted to be in the wrong. So for that reason, if I ever felt that the spark was no longer there (on her end, cause for me, I love hard and rarely stop loving) then I’d just let her end things with me. That way, yes I’ll be heartbroken, but at least I won’t be living in regret.

Side Note: as you all know, when I love, I love truly. I love deeply. The second I fall, I remain at a state of inertia, with nothing strong enough to break my fall or change my trajectory. It may be my biggest flaw, and for that reason, I avoid it like the bubonic plague these days. Because love has been painfully one sided (on my end, of course) and I haven’t met anyone worth spilling my emotions for. Or maybe I’m not worth their emotions? I don’t know honestly.

Continuing…

My innocence.

Did I think myself pure? Absolutely. Maybe not by body, but definitely by mind. I was so naïve to how the world really worked.

I obviously understood how the world treats us colored folk and how hard/easy it can really be to make money or have a place to live.

Regardless, when I say, “how the world really worked,” I’m talking about how emotions are so easily twisted to benefit those whom we once considered close. See, I was loyal to a fault. Whether it be taking the fall for those i considered my “brothers,” to believing my BMs bullshit excuses as to why she “didn’t” cheat, I never wanted to see their worst…

I never wanted to believe they would do me wrong.

I turned a blind eye because they were perfect to me as they were. I accepted them, wholeheartedly.

But time and time again, I kept getting fucked over, I kept getting betrayed, and my little heart kept getting broken. I became bitter. I became angry. And even though I was finally in love with someone I once felt obligated to be with, it only took me losing everything and everyone to realize that I was never truly loved for who I was.

Instead I was loved for what I could do. For what I could provide. Whether it be money, assets, cars, credit, employment, references, or knowledge in whatever field I happen to be good at, I was only ever used. Huh, sounds familiar… of course it does, it always happens!!!

Fast-forward to 2019-2020, I’m bled dry and no longer as useful as I once was. I am newly single and more heartbroken than a mufucka. Up way over 20k at this point and I foolishly thought I was gonna win back my “one true love” with my money, buy her a new ring to replace that old “promise ring” and fulfill my promise of marriage and everlasting love…

But by this point, my innocence was broken. My love was one-sided, for she no longer wanted me. Again, my mind and my heart were broken. I could no longer trust, and honestly, I just wasn’t the man I used to be. The happy-go-lucky idiot that everyone loved to take advantage of.

That’s what they missed about me.

That’s what she missed about me.

I no longer allowed anyone to walk all over me because in all honesty, everyone lies. Everyone has a hidden agenda.

But no matter how unhappy I am at the moment, I actually am happy to know that I am no longer that innocent lil idiot that gets used so easily. Since my last big break up, I’ve talked to/been with at least 12 other women and each tried their hand at besting ya boy… okay maybe two or three actually “cared for me,” and still reach out cause ya boy has the sauce, feel me…jk. And I’ll always regret not seeing that they truly cared until after I ghosted them, but what was I supposed to do?

After finding out that two of the three still lived with their “abusive” baby daddy’s, I assumed that they were just after me because of my moneys and step daddy experience!! While the third genuinely loved me, was a certified freak, no kids, older (which I look for in every relationship cause young girls are too indecisive), the only red flag was her constantly getting mad at my FB posts (something so minor, I know and I regret it sooooo much. Especially right now where I’m truly realizing how shitty I am. NO TO SOCIAL MEDIA. Relationship killer 101) and that I sadly couldn’t love her back.

Maybe, my most recent failure is karma? Maybe, this is life telling me, let them in and give EACH a chance at the same time again… jk, one at a time…

Regardless, I promised myself to never act on my intuition no matter how much it told me I was getting played. So with that being said, I stupidly decided to give love another shot.

Enter early 2021 to now.

Heartbroken, deceived, slowly falling into a drug induced coma, but highly inspired and already deep into my next book. (So thank you breaking me all over again, mamas. Love u always).

Maybe I should’ve listened to my intuition?

Maybe I should’ve learned to love myself?

I mean, I never have, so how the hell am I supposed to know what that feels like? I’m only getting older, more out of shape, probably gonna spend 2-5 years in prison, and cancer runs deep in my family. Meaning, if I don’t stop smoking I probably won’t live past 40-50, in all honesty… So how much time do I truly have to waste on something as trivial as self–love?

Either way, my innocence remains broken. I allowed myself to love again and I didn’t even know how I was going to get over not one… but two women??? God strike me down this very second. Why did my purpose have to be people pleasing? Why couldn’t I just learn how to live for myself instead of chasing love, sex, and knowledge??? Fml.

I can’t bad mouth someone I truly saw myself being with. The trips I planned, the thousands I set aside for birthday gifts, anniversary presents, holidays, trips, and random appreciation gifts… The heart I handed over… The future I vigilantly planned.

I never took that type of initiative because I was never as experienced in love as I am now! I finally understand how to learn someone’s love language. I’m finally willing to be painfully patient and wait for reciprocated feelings. I was a new man… Well I thought I was. But once I feel used, ignored, and unloved, I shut down.

My intuition was screaming at me, begging I pay attention to the way she looks and me, the way her body moves when we’re together, the faces she makes… I just didn’t want to see that there was no love in her eyes. I wanted to be loved so bad. Regardless of how I felt, I still planned and planned, hoping things would turn in my favor. But I was wrong to do so, and my intuition was right…

I hate when my intuition is right…

So yeah, as always, a piece from another project I’ve been working on below. I was thinking of naming it “f l o w e r b o y.” No, it’s not a “I’m coming out” book, and yes I know what the most commonly used definition of the word is. I absolutely love women no matter how much they use me, pls ignore how macho man that may make me seem lmao. Also, I absolutely love flowers, so that’s reason one.

Now reason two; I actually was thinking of it from the more emotional/vulnerable aspect of the word. A “flower boy/boi” can be also defined as a man/boy whose self aware/one with his femininity and emotions. With that being said, those who know me, but like truly know me, are aware of my crybaby antics and are fully aware of how in-touch I am with my feelings. Which, of course, resonates with my overall character and the message I’m trying to portray with this whole blog. You know, the whole anti-toxic masculinity, Pro-feminist, “down with the patriarchy”/“love one, love all,” and sexual morality themes I’m trying to/planning on writing about.

Regardless, you read it here first. And remember, “s a d b o y” 2.0/the REVISED version is available on Amazon. So yeah. Enjoy. Or don’t. But thank you to those who are avid readers on both my blogs!!

to a heartbroken me,

a couple of years prior

 

i wish i could say that your pain will pass. i wish i could say that your next relationship will be your last… one where you are finally loved for you. but instead, i lay here cold, forgotten, &unloved as winter quickly approaches, wishing i never tried again. wishing i knew how to separate love from lust. i guess we still have that in common… for tonight is just like any other; one i still can’t get used to after so many heartbreaks.

&i know exactly how you’re feeling, how could i ever forget? but instead of crying over one, like you, here i lay crying over two. wishing i was patient enough to love myself before searching for love once more. though i must take full responsibility, for my patience was scarce, my bed was cold, &my heart, empty. i can only blame myself for ever believing she was different from the rest…

o, how deeply i hoped to be good enough just this once, even though i knew that our life has never been that simple. i needed her to love me. i needed her to see me. but her smile… through no fault of her own; her wretched, yet beautifully captivating smile had played tricks on my dying innocence. &i should have known better than to fall for such sweet yet empty kisses… but you know me, just as i know you. it is a trick we have both fallen victim to many times before.

perhaps it’s time to accept that love isn’t written in our book. perhaps our last few chapters are meant to be written solely in our blood &tears… i mourn the boy we used to be. before the trauma. before the heartbreak. was there ever a time, though?

 

yes &no.

 

regardless, i dare say, i would rather stay up reliving our traumas, than stay up wondering why she wouldn’t love us… &i wish i could say things get better as we grow up. i really wanted to at least give you that… but i know you can feel the truth within my words. &I know you better than i could ever know myself; these words will only fall upon deaf ears &blind eyes. for you will continue to hope for she who finally loves us for us.

so for that reason, i will keep staring out the same window as you, begging to the same stars as you, that you remain innocent &continue to believe in true love. even if it’s for one more night.

 

from a heartbroken you,

a couple years later