How much time has passed since I last spoke with you all?

A few months at least. It’s 10/28/2021 and I actually went back and skimmed through my previous post, mainly because I like to give you guys a quick update of my life before I write my main topic.

It’s funny actually, I wrote a whole separate blog post pretty much explaining why I am the way I am when it comes to love and relationships. From being heart broken by my first love, to being heart broken by my second and third, I absolutely spilled my all into that post. And honestly, it was too much for me to let anyone just read it…

Maybe one day I’ll revisit that topic but for now I’ll just write a watered down version of it so you have an idea of what love means to me, and why.

The main reason why I decided to introduce this topic is because I recently had a heartbreaking/disappointing conversation with someone I hold so close to my cold little heart… See, when I get into a relationship with someone, I try to be realistic. I know that it takes so long to get over an ex, from personal experience, of course… I also know that it takes so long for someone to truly fall in love with someone. And yes, there is a difference between loving someone and being in love, but why even say the words in the first place? Especially if you’re not IN LOVE with someone? In my eyes, that’s by far one of the most selfish things you could do when in a relationship. I never understood it, really.

For someone like me, who loves deeply and craves to be loved, if I say I ‘love’ someone, I mean it. I mean yeah, i crush a lot and it seems as if I fall in love far too quickly. Maybe it’s because of the lack of love I’ve received throughout my life? I don’t know honestly. Just know, I love hard. I would die for love. I would kill for love. Hence the ankle monitor I am forced to wear.

It’s funny. I say I love deeply but I’ve been deprived of self love for so long that I felt I deserved all of the pain and infidelity I’ve experienced. I want love from others, I yearn for it, but when it comes to loving myself… I can’t. I hate myself deeply. I wish I were someone else every chance I get, and have craved death for so long. I blame myself for my failures, for why it is so hard for others to care for me, I even felt that my own sins were karma and explained why I had such bad luck in the ‘love’ department. So again, that’s what most of this post will be about;

My past experiences with love lost/love found.

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Sigh…

Where should I start…

Honestly, I’m so bad with introducing my experiences that I never know what is relevant to my story, and what isn’t. Whatever though, here I go. I gift you a quick summary of how my life and my views on love were corrupted beyond repair.

My first heartbreak was by my first actual adult love (to avoid constantly using the words ‘she’ and ‘her,’ I’ll use the same nickname I have for her, everytime I write about her; Curly). So yeah…

Boom.

Here I go again;

Curly was my senior year/college girlfriend whom I grew to love exponentially. Like legit, she was it for me. I loved her so much and it took me years to get over her. Even after I started dating my baby mother. I was 2 years in before I finally decided that enough was enough and she wasn’t worth the tears and love songs on repeat.

Besides, my baby mother and I went through a heartbreak as parents that made me see her. The real her. The pain and trauma she hid, the overwhelming love she had, the tears racing down her cheeks, and the warmth of her body when I finally decided to console her. I could feel all of it. I fell in love with all of it. And for the first time, I felt what it was like to be loved by someone I loved. I never knew the feeling. I never even thought I’d feel this way for her. She just wasn’t what I pictured in a woman. I pictured a woman with self respect, to herself, intelligent, petit, not a mother, and preferably a virgin. Typical toxic masculinity/‘guy,’ am I right??

But truth is, I learned to accept it. I was forced to lower my unrealistic standards because I would never find another Curly. In fact, Curly never even loved me and she did not hide it. I used to hate her for that. But now, I appreciate her. I appreciate her honesty. I would rather be told that the feeling is not mutual, than be told I am ‘loved’ just to find out months later that it was never real, for her at least… it was always real for me…

Anyways. I’m going to pause right here and let you guys in on a little flaw I have. One of many, of course;

When I fall in love, I have a tendency to live inside my own heart, my dreams, and my wishes… I picture myself as Prince Charming and I picture her to be the one sole reason as to why I exist. I love her, and in my mind/heart, she loves me back, whomever she is… Unconditionally. I live inside a fairytale where there is no secret man fucking my girl. A world where she doesn’t love anyone else but me. I mean yeah, I’m aware that it’s not real. I’m aware that there will always be another man. I’ve been there. I’ve lived it. I’ve even been the ‘other man’ several times before.

But still, sometimes I get so lost inside my fantasies that I convince myself, I am finally good enough for her. Unhealthy? Perhaps. Unrealistic? Absolutely. But it keeps me happy. I live inside my heart because it keeps me sane. I live inside my fantasies because it keeps me from having to face my pain filled realities… Until I inevitably find out that another man has been inside her, or that she never loved me in the first place. Sometimes even both. It never fails… I am not the type of guy that women remain faithful too. Yeah, the sex is always good, at least it was with all the past women I’ve been with. Sometimes not for me personally, but my womans’ pleasure is always my own.

Anyways, here I am. Writing a quick summary of my failed love life, thinking about what my life could’ve been had I not stayed in Massachusetts, in the name of love, itself. I had the option to leave. I got accepted to a military college in Pennsylvania, $20k in aid, grants and scholarships, and I even wrestled/boxed so I was well off. Physically, financially, and educationally.

But alas, love won me over. I started dating Curly and decided that she was my future. For a while it felt mutual. She really wanted to spend time with me, she went out of her way to make plans and hang out, and god damn she looked so good in a dress… and naked, of course. Being only my second relationship/first adult love, I was infatuated but you all know how that ended.

For those who don’t, please don’t laugh at my embarrassment. I was like 18 or 19, idk:

I professed my love for her, hoping it was mutual. It wasn’t. The college life style got to her, bent her over, and made her forget all about me. Or maybe it was that other clown she was hanging out with all the time before breaking up with me… I don’t actually know. Yeah, we talk now, here and there. You know, we exchange pleasantries, she tells me she will always ‘love me,’ and acts like she gives a fuck about my life. But honestly, our relationship is old news. Sometimes I think about asking her out for coffee, or whatever rich people do, I don’t know, maybe a latte or something vegan… Fuck it. It’s all a bad idea. I am not good enough anymore. Actually, I never was. Plus, I never had the balls to tell her how badly she hurt me. How her neglect and manipulation led me down a path of crime, drugs, sex, and self harm.

Regardless, before she actually broke up with me, I saw it coming. My intuition is never wrong. And I was still gonna wait for her like a good little puppy, but at the end of the day, ya boy had needs too. So I followed in her footsteps and did my own thing! Woman after woman, I yearned for that euphoric release. That sweet, sweet coitus, I wished I still had with her… I even closed my eyes each time and pictured her, praying she did the same. Praying she wished her fingers were my own… Until one day, she finally called me to the campus cafeteria. I knew what it was for, i always know… I felt my heart sinking and beating so hard that it actually hurt! So once i finally got to the cafeteria, we sat down and she broke up with me. Didn’t even have the decency to do it in private. So embarrassing.

See, I cry when I’m so fucking mad, on the phone, over text, in person, if we are arguing and I feel hurt/attacked, I will go silent because I know I’m about to cry. That was one of those baby bitch moments. So I got up. Gave her one last pain-filled glance. And walked away. I even got a text as I was driving away that adding oil to the fucking flame: ‘I will always value your friendship.’ I was going to explode… Like, oh fuck you bitch lmaooooo, you never had it!! You only had my love, my body, and my soul. You only held my heart in your little cold hands, squeezing so heard till you broke it.

Besides, she could never love me the way I loved her. We weren’t meant for each other. She was a rich girl, making rich people moves, and I wasn’t. The streets were always my destiny. So that being said, my fairytale was destroyed along with my heart.

At that time, I already knew she was going to leave me; remember, I’m fully aware that my fantasy of a perfect love/life is not real in anyway. So I got into alcoholism and was even taken advantage of by women who I didn’t want. Then after she broke up with me, the alcoholism continued but I picked up another vice on the way. Pills. Weed. Drugs. Self inflicted pain.

So with my baby mother in the picture followed by an overbearing love for euphoria, my life continued. I gave up on Curly and gave my BM an obligated chance. 7 years later, the cycle continued. I grew to love her and I even saved over $10k to buy her an engagement ring. Because so far, my affection has always been ‘too much’ for those I cared about. So money is the next best thing, right? I mean obviously, I spend so much and she loved me more and more for every hundred that went her way. Well actually, for every woman I’ve been with so far.

Continuing: Aside from the house I got her, the job I got her, the promise ring I got her, the thousands of dollars in gifts I got her (each year/holiday we celebrated), etc. I tried so hard to show her I cared for her more than I cared for my self. I mean, I fucking raised another dead beat’s child for fucksake!! Does that not tell you, ‘hey maybe I should be faithful and loving to this dumbass, it really seems like he loves me!’

Obviously not because as always, the cycle ended. As expected, she cheated on me with the man whose daughter I raised/continue to raise since she was 9 months old, and two other junkie looking mother fuckers. Yes, I got my revenge and did the same. Yes, if you hurt me, I will fucking crush you in return. But it never seems to faze anyone, and that’s what kills me… the realization that they never loved me no matter how much money I spent and how deeply I truly loved them.

I guess it’s a Gemini thing to be ungrateful for everything they’re given (e.i. Curly, my BM, my mother, my sister, and 3 other women I’ve been with are all Gemini’s). Shit… maybe I’m meant to be with a Gemini… or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the reason why I can’t be loved? I gave up a successful life/career just to chase love, and look where that left me:

Currently in a courthouse as I speed write this post because my ankle monitor died, potentially about to face 2-5 years if my little sob story doesn’t work on my probation officer. Facing charges for an ‘alleged’ felony, and 2 years off the very pills that drove me to madness, depression, self harm/almost dying at least 5 times, and the stupid ass idea that I could be loved no matter what flaws I have.

But enough of the pity party, before anything else I am a man. I grew out of that self victimization phase, I grew out of that blaming-of-others phase, and I now live for myself, my son, and our mutual happiness…

Or so I thought…

I mean, I am fully aware of the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I’m not that stupid, guys. Yeah, I admit, I sometimes get carried away with my ridiculous ideals and fairytale ass fantasies, believing that anyone could ever love me for me, but it’s a beautiful thought… and for this whole month I was mesmerized by it. Shit, most of this year I was mesmerized by the thought of being loved.

I was sick thinking about my new love interest. Sick in a good way though! I grew to care about her so fucking deeply. In a matter of days/hours (and months of emotional/mental connection), she showed me what it felt like to be wanted. She had even made me feel confident and attractive for a while. And actually, now that I think about it, she wasn’t so new… if you read my last post then you’ll know that she decided to leave my side, for what reasons? I’m not too, too sure, aside from the fact that I constantly shit post and it got her mad… Regardless, she felt like she was ‘the one.’ I only know that because I really was hurt when she first showed me her truest self… she showed me I was right. If my intuition has an idea, I listen closely. Because I’m not a fucking idiot when it comes to these kinds of things. And every single time, I begged to the silent skies that I’d be wrong… you don’t know how bad I continue to hope that I’m wrong…

(Minor update: I wasn’t wrong) 11/21/2021

Real quick: I’m going to speak as bluntly as I can, without offending anyone, of course. From personal experience, the only reason why person A would leave person B (who genuinely wants/loves them) is because person A still loves someone else/they are fucking someone else. That’s it. No excuses, and don’t try to fucking lie about it cause I don’t believe any of that ‘iTs yOuR FaUlt i cHeAteD/i LeFt’ bullshit. Love is absolute.

I know I’m not perfect! Okay my own mother reminds me every single day how she wishes I never changed/turned into a ‘criminal.’ While my father always thought I was one. Either way, I’ve done about a few thousand dollars worth of good rather than bad, for each woman I’ve been with, and they still decided to leave me! So yeah, maybe it is me? A question I will always ask myself. And yeah, I know money plays a huge role in relationships. Almost as big as sex, but when I feel used I’ll gladly cut anyone off. Period.

Back to the story. She left, came back, told me she loved me somewhere in between, left again, and came back. Repeat another 2 or 3 times. Up until this month. October of 2021. The month I thought to be the happiest month I have ever had. And it was, I swear to God it was.

Until, 10/27/21 came around and as always, reality set in. I found myself running from the law while dealing with disappointment/a minor heartbreak. See, I told you guys already! I fucking hate being right about these kinds of things. Right now, I’m 1 for 2.

1 being she never actually loved me the way I thought/wanted her to (which is okay, I could never punish a woman for feeling something else). At the end of the day, the heart wants what the heart wants. Even if it’s not me. Not even my money nor I, could do anything about that. But I can be mad at myself for allowing myself back into fairytale land. For thinking I was any different from the other clowns she been with. Truth is, I’m not any different. I ain’t shit. Money ain’t shit. Fearlessness ain’t shit. Even my ability to physically protect her ain’t shit. Especially if she doesn’t want/need it. And in the end, love is as real as her intentions, and I had yet to truly figure them out.

Then we have 2; she either loves and/or is still fucking her ex or any man, idc. No exceptions. I’ve already done that simp ass ‘it’s okay baby we can work it out’ shit. Looking like a fool while she bends me the fuck over and fucks me for my money, my love, and my sanity. Never again. There is no person worth that pain. Not ever. I feel stupid for even considering it when it came to my son’s mother. And I hope I’m wrong, no, I PRAY that I am fucking wrong. I know this new girl is worth the wait and worth the patience. I will wait as long as I have to for her to finally love me, because I truly see a future with her… but not if number 2 is the case. Or number 1 lol. Sorry mamas, I may not love myself (so I understand why you don’t either) but I, at the very least, finally have some self respect.

So yeah. Here I am. Bitching about my love life, again. Sitting in a court house hoping I don’t get arrested, again. Writing about how impossible I am to love, again.

(Another update: yeahhh number 2 was absolutely the case. So I am 2 for 2. God, sometimes I hate my intuition.) 11/21/2021

But enough updates and my unsatisfiable bitching. For those who have read this long, I thank you. Below I have attached a quick/long think piece I plan on putting in my new book, ‘f l o w e r b o y.’ As for my first book, ‘s a d b o y,’ I recently added/updated/revised a few pages, literally last week, so for those of you who’ve already bought the book when it came out please lmk and I’ll send you a new copy!! Sank you and enjoy.

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so much love…

 

how could anyone like you 

love someone like me?

 

few have tried, all have failed.

—for they had given up at their

first taste of the true pain i hold.

 

it was expected,

it was my reality…

 

yet you never winced

at the sight of my truth.

because you’re different from the rest,

i never had that…

 

mediocrity, manipulation, &betrayal

were my norm,

until you swooped in

&showed me

 

so much love…

 

o, you do it so flawlessly, 

as if it were all an act,

every single day,

every single scene,

 

as if you were the lead actress nominated

for the most coveted of accolades…

 

you see,

i know i am hard to love, baby…

it’s a challenge even for me

 

&for that reason,

i was forced to accept

that nobody could ever love as deep as i…

 

but you came along…

&you elegantly danced around my heart,

lightly stepping on the bits of my shattered ego, making music out of who i become

when i am with you. 

 

&i am now smothered with

so much love that you unapologetically show;

 

for my flaws, for my doubts,

for the deep darkness i lifelessly brood upon,

 

 

 

&you truly are devoted to me, aren’t you?

or at least you say you are,

just as they all have…

 

regardless,

you continue to shower me with

so. much. love.,

 

that i can’t help but wonder;

 

is it all an act?

 

i mean, you do it so perfectly…

 

as if loving me was a role made

specifically for you;

 

each line you speak when i feel down,

the ways your lips flood

every time they meet my own,

the rhythm your hips dance to

when we make love,

even when our hands touch

while i look down &you, above..

 

as if it were all rehearsed.

as if you’ve done all this before.

 

i know i’m not your first,

neither was i anyone else’s…

&i accept that the same way i hope you accept me,

 

except while loving me was so hard for all the others, to you it comes so naturally…

 

why?

 

i wasn’t even worth a second glance

to those who looked only forward as they walked away…

 

i can’t possibly fathom why anyone

as perfect as you, could ever think of loving somebody as broken as me…

 

so now,

i am haunted by the very question that continues to drive me insane;

 

‘why do you show me so much love?’

 

why must you show me so much love?

 

yes,

 

it feels like home…

 

yes,

 

you feel like home…

 

but in the end,

i know i am not worthy of your tears,

i know i am not worthy of your body,

i know i am not even worthy of your heart…

 

&only one possible answer makes sense, 

as to why you’d purposely put yourself through the endless hurt of dealing with me…

 

&it pains me to say it out loud,

i could barely even write it…

but i must examine every possibility before i allow myself to fall in love…

 

so here i lay upon the dried shores

of my unwavering obsession,

speaking the only reasonable answer

into existence;

 

it is an act… 

all of it…

 

the passionate kisses we share,

the way you look at me when our hips meet,

your soul piercing stare,

&the way you moan my name when i’ve filled you, deep…

 

an act…

 

for you are an actress yearning

for that gleaming accolade

&loving me is the role that will grant you the exposure you need…

 

so please understand why i believe there’s just no way anybody could ever show me

so much love, just as you have,

 without wanting something in return,

 

because even with all of my flaws

&the terrors my darkness holds,

 

i know you need strength, 

i know you need control,

&i am the only one who could give it to you…

 

for that very reason,

i am the perfect role…

i am yourperfect role…

 

so don’t be shy, baby…

i know you don’t actually love me

for me. how could you? 

 

my sole purpose has always been

to harden someone as soft as yourself…

 

you yearn for it;

 

i can see it in your heart when your eyes speak to me…

i can feel it in your soul when i am inside of you…

i can taste it on your skin when you imagine anyone but me…

 

&if you ever were to ‘love’ me,

it would be for what you will become

after you break me, too.

 

so all i can do is hope that i am wrong,

in fact, i pray for it,

because baby,

i love you…

 

|so much love