Oh how time flies…

Sometimes it feels as if time is our worst enemy… as it continues to pass, my body as well as my mind are beginning to feel so old. I’ve hit a plateau where I know I’m still “young” but I don’t feel it anymore. I’m not excited for birthdays, Im not looking forward to tomorrow, my knees fucking hurt, and I’m definitely having a midlife crisis…

I wish I could say I have a happy-go-lucky attitude about life, but I can’t… I’ve seen too much pain over the past 26 years and I’m just about ready to retire myself to a little cottage in the woods or at a beach to watch the sun set and the moon rise; far from everyone and everything that has brought negativity into my life.

Shit, now that I think about it… and I mean, really think about it; I hold almost 27 years of life and experience under my belt, and it weighs me down as I continue to strive… that merciless thought that I am just three years shy of 30, floods my mind and drowns me in an ocean of self-pity. And honestly… I’m tired.

There are so many goals and so many dreams I haven’t reached. I have so many earthly desires I still crave. Fuck, there is so much to life that I have yet to experience!

As some of you already know; to me, the meaning of life is to experience as much as you can before you die. And I admire those who live multiple lives in one lifetime —to actually say “I lived a happy life and I did everything I wanted to,” is one of my few actual goals. It might actually be the deepest and the most difficult of the few objectives I have in mind… which isn’t saying much honestly.

Most of my goals are long term, as is, and deemed reachable —to an extent. For someone like me, that is. Except I’ve been unbelievably lazy over the past few years, and yeah I finally have a career, I have a son, but I don’t have IT. I don’t know what “it” is just yet, but I’m sure I’ll know when I finally find it… maybe it’s a sense of happiness and completion? A feeling of fulfillment? I really don’t know.

I mean, ever since my son’s mother decided that I wasn’t enough, I’ve felt unbelievably empty. Yeah, yeah, I’ve had “plenty” of human interaction (compared to other single men who don’t put themselves out there). But when speaking of my own standard? No where near enough.

Gotdamn I’m hungry, I crave physical and spiritual connection… Yearning for a woman’s touch.

But not just any woman…

A woman who fills my soul with the same joy, pleasure, and length I fill her with. *Pun intended.*

See… I’m finally aware of my sexual preferences and I stand firmly by my likes and dislikes. Certain women I’ve dated don’t approve of my views on sex and how open I am about those preferences; but that’s most likely because they haven’t experienced true sexual empowerment, and they probably don’t know themselves sexually… or maybe they’re just private people? I’m just spitballing here, I truly have no idea. I could be bullshitting, but as always, I stand by my word, more than anything else… And if I’m ever wrong, then I’ll admit it. Yes, I’m prideful, but I am not arrogant nor stubborn when it comes to admitting my mistakes.

But back to my original point;

emptiness.

I haven’t felt complete in so long that I’m forgetting what it feels like to be full of love, life, and purpose. I assumed 2021 would be a good year for me financially, romantically, and professionally. Which has been the case to an extent… I just got a dope ass job making the most I’ve ever made, I had a beautiful significant other whom I was beginning to love, and I finally found the confidence to share my writing with those I care about.

From making this blog public, to writing an anthology/collection of my poetry and other pieces, I felt good about my work. Of course, I’m not as popular as your favorite artist, but it’s a hobby. I want to share my work to hopefully enlighten those who walk a path of darkness. See, I lost myself so many times over the past few years; I lost myself due to love, I lost myself to addiction, and I lost myself to violence, but I always came back. Swallowed my pride, forgave myself, and looked in the mirror without wavering at the once-damning sight.

I feel strong.

I’m not as happy as I want to be, but I’m strong… and I hoped to reflect that through my most recent project.

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So before I get into that, I’d like to update you on my life since my last post.

If you read back you’ll see that I met “the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon.” Unfortunately, that did not work out. Of course, because of my own carelessness. I was so distracted by the thought of being someone different that I guess I wasn’t who she needed me to be. One of the issues with my previous relationship was that I was too clingy, obsessed, touchy, and acted on my emotions…

I thought that if I did the exact opposite this time around and have a nonchalant attitude about any disrespect, along with actually be mentally and emotionally supportive, then she would see my value. In my eyes and in my heart, I was always honest. I made what I wanted clear as daylight, and I didn’t ask for much… except, what I find to be the bare minimum, others consider to be “too much.”

Nobody loves the same, nor have the same needs. In my opinion, it’s crucial to learn your partner’s love language and it has to be a mutual effort. But that’s the thing, no body wants to learn but everybody wants to be loved. And even though there was effort on my part, a relationship can’t work if the two (or more) aren’t willing to work with each other, communicate, and respect each other.

But still…

She was so perfect… so unbelievably beautiful. That smile, those perfect teeth, and that body. Oof, don’t get ya boy started.

Moving on…

I would like to clarify; I do not think ill of any woman I’ve been with, and definitely not my most recent one. At the end of the day, our temporary relationship was fulfilling for my ego and mentally… Also, it helped me move past the hurt from the seven year relationship with my ex. Even if I am hurt that this woman also left me. It is all devastating at the end of the day. I guess what truly matters is how the time spent and if you get that closure.

But regardless of what I though as a formerly toxic individual, I like to give my partners the benefit of the doubt. I know how I am as a person, and I know I can be a little “too much.” But my love language revolves around physical affection, quality time, and gift giving. I love kisses, hugs, and all of that. I love spending time, even if we’re just in each other’s presence. I love making her feel appreciated and buying her shit she wants. But this is where I might be the most selfish… I will gladly do all of that as long as the physical and emotional aspect of this connection is reciprocated. If I feel like I’m being used, or if I feel like I’m the only one that truly feels anything? Then I shut down. That’s just who I am.

Now that I’m a more mature man and lover, I see where I was wrong in the past. I see that the way I treated women was mostly wrong. And that is why I wanted to treat this woman in the exact opposite manner. Initially, just by looking at this woman I felt a powerful attraction towards her. I’ve never felt that before, not even towards the only two women I ever loved.

This one was different.

The way I felt was different.

I almost believed in “love at first sight.” But yeah… I’m alone again. Writing about my failed experiences. After almost four or five months, I didn’t get the explanation I thought I deserved. And I could reach out, but what would I say? What can I say? No I don’t have closure this time around but I really was happy, even if it was based mostly on mental and emotional interactions.

I am a very opinionated individual, and I have my own thoughts as to why I think she left me, and honestly those thoughts are what keep me from getting more attached and more heartbroken. That’s the thing;

I can’t deal with another big heartbreak…

Not right now.

My body and mind can’t take anymore trauma.

Anyways…

What made me the most angry about this little “breakup” was the fact that I had to remove at least twenty pieces from my book. And of course, I had to write maybe two or three pieces about how she now falls under the category of heartbreaks.

I absolutely hate having to toss or set aside excerpts because when I write, I force myself to relive all of my trauma, all of my disappointment and heartbreak. All of those old feelings and emotions give my writing life. All of which, I intentionally wrap in my love and passion. So when anyone reads my work, they can feel the same emotions and drives as I do. And finally, that’s what brings me to the whole point of this post; my book.

A book that’s taken me a few months to write. A book that I absolutely put my entire essence into. This project symbolizes my failures, as well as my growth as a man, as a father, as a lover, and as a writer. Of course, I’ve always done that, I don’t have any pieces that have no meaning behind them.

But regardless, that recent “breakup” (if we can even call it that) truly took away from the love and redemption aspect of my book/collection of works. Because i truly felt I could make up for all my failures through her. I can’t go back and erase any damage I’ve done, but I could’ve at least made her happy, and made up for my my mistakes by giving her everything she deserves.

But the past is the past, and I let go of it.

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For those who care enough, and for those who plan on reading my book; I don’t only speak about failed relationships, and my experiences with love. They do take up a huge part of my book, mainly because my life consists of those traumas. Regardless of where I stand with my work, I truly feel that I am a different version of myself.

With that being said this project serves as a tribute to the younger more vulnerable version of myself. And even though that younger version of myself still lives on, he only lives within my writing. His thoughts, his feelings, and his powerful yet unbelievably controversial opinions, live on within each line and each page of this book. The letters, the spaces, the periods, and commas… a younger and less experienced me. Because that’s what this book is; an ode to my younger self.

Hence the name I decided to use;

s a d b o y

A sad boi, sad boy, or sadboy is a man or boy who is expressive of his emotions and depression. The connotations of this term depend on its context.

Definition according to stayhipp.com

Regarding my choice of title, it was between that or “euphoric” but there is absolutely nothing euphoric about my past so I had to choose one that reflects on our modern culture/generation and my past self. Those who know me personally know I was always on that sad boy shit and it was cringe as fuck. But again, love and redemption is a factor in this book.

Anyways.

I’ve never been into poetry before, mainly due to the fact that I believed poetry was supposed to meet certain criteria (such as line count and rhyming). With that being said, I thought myself far too weak of a writer to properly indulge myself within the realm of poetry, so I kept my distance from the genre. Though, I eventually realized that there the are so many different styles and themes that could benefit from my writing style.

From gothic literature to confessional poetry; that take of tragedy and loss exploits my traumas —as a child who grew into a violent, but hungry adult— in a manner that gives each piece several different meanings. From the love I had for women, sex, and drugs, to the love I now hold for myself —I twisted my words into pieces that resonate with those who follow the same pain filled path.

Throughout my time as a writer, I learned that art is completely subjective. Meaning, there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to art. There are no good or bad poems, especially when you are writing about how you feel. And although this book may be controversial and may not be for everyone, I wrote this for myself just as much as I did for those who’ve been with me since the beginning.

Which brings me to my final point; nobody can ever say “you’re wrong” or your work is “bad,” especially if it comes from your heart. (Unless of course, words are spelt incorrectly and you’re plagiarizing, then yes do some revising). And when speaking on my book, it is wrapped in my love, hate, happiness, and sadness. My overwhelming emotions spill from one page to the next. Each tear I relived gives the stained ink of my paper life, each drop of blood from my past scars give my words meaning. I truly am proud of this little debut I have for my reader and myself.

So to conclude, I leave you with a piece from my collection to hopefully give you all an idea of what my passion consists of.

And below is the cover/back cover of my project;

So there you have it. My debut poetry collection is only the first part of my planned series. I only plan on getting better and hope that this first issue is a project that many could relate to. So there we have it.

s a d b o y : a poetry collection is now available as paperback on Amazon, and will be available on 8/1/21 in ebook format, but you’re still able to preorder it!!

So as always, thank you to my lovely, lovely readers, and be good people!

-g.