As a writer, I tend to reread my work and critique the content of a once less mature mind. The thing is, I’m not the same person I was last year, last month, or even last week. Just like anyone who values self-improvement and strives to become a better version of themselves, I try to learn from my past mistakes and use those lessons to make prosperous decisions as life goes on. Yet, I still find myself trailing backward to where I once began. A distant point where resentment and my self-inflicted scars flood my mentality causing me to digress from my original goal: to become a better, more intelligent version of myself.

When speaking upon the topic of personal advancement, we always tend to correlate financial and social success with what it truly means to be “successful.” Most will only remain vigilant as long as it means they will become wealthy in the end. Not emotionally wealthy, but wealthy in terms of political influence, social acceptance, and again, money. Being accepted by those in our communities and never having to worry about sleeping with an empty stomach ever again. A luxury only 1% of the world have. I mean, that doesn’t mean we’re lesser beings for wanting that. We’re brought into a world where that kind of shit matters, where that kind of shit is necessary to survive; so we have no other choice but to adapt. Eventually, any other virtues that we once held firmly become forgotten or just aren’t priorities anymore.

I wanted to have money, I wanted to be looked up to as a role model, and I wanted to be seen as a “good man” by my colleagues, acquaintances, and loved ones. But more importantly, I wanted to fall in love. More than anything I wanted to fall in love and be loved. So much that I was stuck in a never-ending cycle of misfortune, embarrassment, and abuse, yet accepted it as a necessary cost.

From a young age, I had to witness domestic violence and infidelity, much so that it eventually intertwined with my DNA. It became a right of passage for who I will one day become.

That’s part of bettering yourself though, you must first become someone (whether it be good or bad) to eventually overcome any qualities you may grow to dislike as time passes.

For example, at one point in my life, I had become a manipulative wraith who destroyed everything I touched. From suicidal tendencies as I began to hate myself more and more, to emotional manipulation against my loved ones to get what I believed I deserved. It got to the point where I had no line I wouldn’t cross. Everything was fair game. To me, no line could ever limit me or my actions as long as I was happy.

That’s where I was at a standstill, I was never truly happy. I pursued a visage of what I believed happiness truly meant. Again, financial stability, social popularity, and believing/manipulating everyone into believing I was a “good” man. It wasn’t until I lost everything that I realized I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t the God I had once portrayed myself to be. The pedestal I once stood on was crumbling before my very eyes, as I felt myself fall to what rock bottom had in store for me.

Was it because I had finally experienced love and decided that she deserved an authentic version of myself? One who wasn’t made up of different versions of dastard qualities that make up the typical sociopath. I wanted my second experience with love to last a lifetime because the first experience was much too painful to manage. The puppeteer I had become was nothing more than an illusion if it meant never truly experiencing the “love and be loved” ideals I craved.

I look back now that I’m beginning to form a brand new relationship with a woman whom I slowly fall in love with; and I contemplate whether the person I used to be would be a better match for her? I mean, my last relationship came to an end because I had finally decided to remove the mask I once wore. I wasn’t the man she had fallen in love with anymore, I didn’t want to keep pretending. But what if it happens again? What if I grow out of this “self-aware” phase and become an unrecognizable person once again? Will she love me? To differentiate her from her, I’ll nickname her “J.”

So this begs the question; Did love save me or did love ruin me?

When I think about my sacrifice to hopefully uphold this past love, I think about everything else I lost. It’s not only my romantic relationship that ceased, a lot of my friendly relationships also halted. Was I the one manipulating them to fit my version of “happiness” and “popularity” or did they finally grasp an understanding of who I was in order to turn the tables on me? To use me and my assets as they pleased? My once undying loyalty and faulty desire to live had turned into a bargaining chip for those who I thought cared about me.

I wasn’t the loved friend or the perfect boyfriend I thought I was. Once I opened my eyes and realized the destruction I helped cause, I wanted it to end. My usefulness also ended shortly after. Not only that, my seemingly undying loyalty was questioned and then it hit me…

I only thought I was in control…

I thought I had these people wrapped around my fingers, only there to please my unhealthy need to feel accepted when in reality, it was them who had control over me. My body, my intellect, my money, my skills, my life. Anything that they found useful was never truly in my control. Even the love I thought I had, the love that would end in marriage and the love for friends I would gladly kill and die for with no hesitation… fake. An illusion. A terrible joke that everyone was in on, but me. It all seemed like a plot to dethrone me, but that’s the thing, I was never a king.

Upon opening my eyes and opening my mind, that realization is what ended the “love” I once would have died for. I wasn’t an asset anymore. I wasn’t easily manipulated anymore. And I certainly wasn’t the protagonist I thought I was. With that being said, rock bottom is a lonely place and it took months to climb out and accept myself once again.

A Pressing Realization

It feels as if all I ever talk about is my terrible experiences as a victim, and all the lessons I learned as the offender. From infidelity to heartbreak, the constant negativity showered the once hopeful perspective I had on love. Now it seems as if I only expect the worst whenever I involve myself with a potential love interest. Truth is, I only desired the worst. I didn’t pursue a happy ending anymore. And I didn’t want to fall in love. Regarding J, this new woman whom I recently met? This new woman who has shined her beautiful light into the darkness I had once lived in? We’ll speak more on her later. For now, allow me to explain what I mean when I say “I didn’t want to fall in love.”

“That statement contradicts everything you’ve been saying the past year?”

Hold on… You mean the few posts I’ve made about how much love and relationships have evolved? The book I’ve been writing for over a year that highlights the many virtues of love AND the toxicity of anything related to relationships? I can only speak on personal experience, with permission, so I say what I feel or have once felt with no filter.

So to answer that seemingly rhetoric question; Yes, it does, it’s immensely contradicting to the overall message I want to portray. But thats where things get funky… “Love” itself is one huge contradiction. Though, what kind of a hopeless romantic would NOT WANT TO FALL IN LOVE?? Why would I shower my new and unbelievably stunning love interest with words of affirmation, gifts and promises to kiss, love and cherish her – which I believe would show how much I care – if I’m not planning on falling in love??

Well ,that’s the OTHER thing; I never said that I wasn’t planning on falling in love.

Pay attention.

I said that “I didn’t want to,” but that’s only because I have unintentionally familiarized myself with the feelings of disappointment, heartbreak, and a powerful love towards people who did not love me in return. It’s the lack of mutuality that deters me from the emotional need.

My mind doesn’t want to fall in love anymore but my body craves it. Love is a powerful and painful drug that can kill someone but can also grant unbelievable happiness. Is the risk worth it though? This is a question we ask when we “chase the dragon.” When we contemplate trying a new narcotic because of the unbelievable high we were promised. Again, love is a drug that is capable of destroying our will to live, as anyone who’s been in love can attest to..

We’re programmed from a young age to find someone that can fulfill our needs. Watching our parents kiss, hug, argue, and raise us. Those that don’t have two parents will grow up watching their single parent have random men/women coming in and out of the house. Seemingly painful yells of pleasure deafening those young ears who slowly but surely assume meaningless sex is what it means to “love.”

The countless experiences and definitions eventually come together through two people who now connect and try their own hand at love. Different boundaries being tested, different ideals being questioned, no experience with love is ever the same. Love is not for the weak or the opinionated. Does constant heartbreak make falling in love any different? If I fall in love with J, who’s to say we won’t be happy? Maybe we’ll actually get married and maybe ill finally be accepted for who I am rather than what I have.

Again, don’t get it twisted. My mind and emotions are protected. I am cautious with who I open up to but I will NEVER punish a potential love interest for any misdoings of another woman or a failed friendship. I treat every new relationship as just that, a new beginning. J, an amazing woman I am slowly falling in love with will never have to experience my past mistakes. Unfortunately, I cannot control if I fall in love, it happens. Have I connected or slept with someone who I just couldn’t love even if I tried? Absolutely, but that’s because my heart belonged to someone else. But now I’m free from any shackles that once limited me and I am free to love whoever.

Which again brings me back to my previous statement, “I didn’t want to fall in love.” If I lost everything the last time I made a decision out if love, what would keep me from doing the same? Aside from reflecting on who I was and who I am now, I’d have to say:

Nothing.

As I stated in my previous post, “So I Met This Girl…” I don’t know if this new beautiful woman will cheat on me with her ex. I don’t know if I will one day annoy her to the point where leaving is the only option she has. It’s a gamble. Love is a gamble. One I’m not I am willing to bet my life on. I may have horrible luck, but I have a good feeling about this one. Even before speaking with her, I knew from the moment I saw her profile picture that I would one day love this woman if I had an opportunity. An opportunity that I got and would never let go. But that’s another thing, love is uncertain. That uncertainty, that risk, and that potential heartbreak is what kept me at bay this past year of self-awareness, self-love and learning to truly be alone.

My body craves physical and emotional connection and interaction. It yearns to feel the warm touch of another woman, but I will not relinquish my will. I used to chase love to forget the pain of previous heartbreaks but that never lasted too long. After a while, those I once cared for figured out how damaged I was and ended up leaving me for dead. But it’s also those failed attempts at love that made me overly cautious.

See before I truly understood what love is and how destructive I could be, I used to be my own protection. I did not need to stay guarded because, in my mind, I was incapable of being torn between keeping up an image and verisimilitude.

“I will be accepted no matter what because I am perfect.”

No, no, no. I wasn’t that stuck up, I promise. But that’s what it feels like now that I look back at who I once was. I am not better than anyone. Fuck, I’m still a pretty shitty person, lover, and writer as is, but the younger easily influenced version of myself would vigilantly and violently disagree while trying to beat my face in.

So no, I didn’t want to fall in love, but now I grew and flourished, and I will continue to adapt while pursuing a happy ending for myself and this woman I am grateful to know. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have a family again… One thing I do know is that my growth will one day make everything I’ve experienced worth the pain. My relationships will flourish, my intellect will be as sharp as ever and my wealth will not only fit societies standards, it will meet and exceed the expectations I set long ago.

⁃ G. Delgado.