I used to think that love was finite. Once you fall in love, that’s it. But no, that’s a common misconception. Although I didn’t realize that the world is filled with women who would feel lucky to have me, I didn’t care enough to think about anyone else. I was in a deep love that eventually took everything from me; from my family to my will to live.

For years I felt as if I couldn’t do anything right. The constant insults and the unapologetic infidelity plagued a relationship I assumed would end in marriage. The trauma I had faced from an unrelenting emotional and sometimes physical abuse had left me in a state of dismay. I stopped caring about myself, I stopped caring about others, but the one thing I did not stop caring about; her opinion.

If the woman whose daughter I raised, who I loved more than I loved myself -and so much more – wasn’t willing to love and respect me, who ever would? I’ve never had good luck in this field, the “love and be loved” ideals that I pursued had led me down a path of suffering. It even took me over two years to get over my very first adult love, back when she decided that my love was unneeded. Although I’ve experienced many failed relationships throughout my teens, none of those hurt as much as the 7 year relationship I had with my son’s mother.

What I don’t tell anyone is that when I love, I love hard. Why? Well because I put my whole essence into my relationships, whether it be a friendship or a situationship, whoever is on the opposite end of the given relationship can rest assured that they will always have my love and support no matter what. Plus, I loved so hard, I loved so deeply… No one could ever take that away from me. Though, that love is what made me an easy target for manipulation. I understand that, yet risk everything to make sure my partner is happy.

I love so much that it hurts, even then I’ll always continue to do everything possible to make those who matter to me, happy. That was my goal. I’ve always wanted to make her as happy as possible. But you can’t force someone to be happy, I know that now. It took me losing myself and everything I stood for, to final learn that lesson.

To me – aside from experiencing everything you possibly could in one life time – the meaning to life is to love and be loved. The point of creating a blog and writing a book in this topic was for me to realize my worth and accept the fact that she moved on before we even broke up. The many topics I researched and wrote about were initially used as an escape. I thought that if I could just grasp someone else’s opinions on what love means, maybe I could find myself once again. This later turned into a means to spread awareness on the toxicity many victims experience in relationships. Although a “toxic” relationship is romanticized by people of this generation, my goal now is to hopefully enlighten those who believe they don’t deserve love. Like me, so many others are abused and ridiculed in the name of “love.”

Which brings me to another topic I was ignorant to; love lost. Imagine having a family and trying to save AT LEAST 10k for an engagement ring you thought she deserved. Just for it all to end at the snap of her fingers. It would leave any man- who is in touch with his feelings- with a sense of defeat and instability. I felt empty, I felt ashamed that I wasn’t man enough to keep my family together, I felt that I had no more purpose in life. That’s the thing, at the time I felt that my purpose -the reason to why I EXISTED- was only to provide for my family and to make them happy. If a man cannot keep a woman, let alone make her happy, he is worthless.

And as for “love lost?” I honestly could not picture myself without her. I thought she was perfect and I thought I was good enough. Then again, I thought that about every girl I’ve been with. Do people really fall out of love? Or do they just let temptation get the better of them? Even a whole year after the breakup that had changed me as a man, I still don’t have that answer. Mainly because I didn’t stop loving any of the women I’ve been with. I still think about them, they’ll always hold a special place in my heart no matter what they did. Whether they cheated or just moved on to a better looking man, I continue to cherish every memory and smile I’ve ever experienced by their hand. That doesn’t mean I’m not ready to fall in love again. Remember, I met this girl. A girl who I want to fall in love with. A girl who I want memories with.

Time has gone by unbelievably fast. It feels as if just yesterday I was in high school crushing on a girl who’d get pregnant by another man in a few years. Now I’m laying down writing a post about my failed experiences and a new girl who blessed me with the opportunity to talk to her. I don’t mind starting all over, I have nothing I’d rather do honestly. Though, I can’t stop thinking about all of my friends, now fathers and husbands; living with their families and providing for their women. Then there’s me, a single father who was so easily replaced by a parade of motherfuckers who would disrespectfully shoot their shot at every sign of instability in my relationship. Anyone could see what the deal was but my concern wasn’t what “anyone” thought. My concern was whatever SHE told me. She told me I was to blame. So I ran with it.

I’m not rich, the only things I was ever good at I had quit to be the father I am expected to be, and in all reality, I’m not beautiful. In this day and age, that shit matters. It’s sad to say but ask any man or woman, they will all say that a man must have money if he’s not gorgeous. He has to eat ass because if he doesn’t the next guy will. He has to be hood but also emotional, because that is what society told women to yearn.

Ive learned to live a comfortable life, and yeah I beat up mother fuckers for fun, I’ve sagged my pants before my butt got too big to do that shit, but what does that matter when nobody looks my way? I have enough money to last me a few years if I was to lose my job today but in order to show ANY positive qualities, I need to be lined up at all times, I need to be muscular, and I need to be funny. How can I be any of that when I’ve only experienced misery? Shit takes a toll on a person…

I’ve gotten every woman I wanted but it wasn’t because of my looks, it was because I’ve always been headstrong- in both aspects of the word- and loyal. That shit also matters to an extent but again, we live in a shallow time period and I am in no means excempt from the label. I love beautiful women, I love wide hips, big breasts, thick lips and a beautiful smile. Am I a hypocrite for expecting something I don’t have? Absolutely, but we’re allowed to have our preferences. And I’m not asking for anyone’s pity. I don’t give a damn if I look like a “simp” for craving a happy ending. THIS is what makes me happy.

Maybe this heart break wasn’t for nothing? I mean, I always thought that everything happens for a reason and if my life is going to shit then maybe it’ll get better as time progresses? Is my life stuck in a constant loop of mediocrity because I don’t believe in religion? Is this God punishing me?

First my break up, then the constant isolation, and finally the ALLEGED crime I have 9 charges for. “Good things come to those who wait,” “the more you give, the more you receive,” “God gives the toughest battles to his strongest warriors…” or whatever you people get tattooed on your chests… I’ve been waiting for a miracle that I thought would never come. I’ve given my all to people who only used me. And this battle… this never ending battle against myself.. I’ve been fighting for years yet my negativity always prevails. I promise I’m a good person, don’t doubt me. I have my reasons as to why I fight, why I lie, and why I cheat. I don’t do shit for no reason. Am I shifting the blame? Not at all, I take full responsibility, baby. I may be a lost cause, but I’m still a man.

After all of these years, I never stopped trying to better myself. It’s been a year since the break up and I’m ready to move on. I’m FINALLY ready to leave those years of pain behind me. I began putting myself out there To hopefully find a woman I could spoil. I have a tendency of buying my girl whatever her heart desires, even if I don’t have the means, I’ll make it happen. My woman is my number one priority right next to my kids. Not my siblings, not my parents, and definitely not the “friends” who bled me dry for years. But a woman I could love unconditionally and the kids who changed my life around. From a juvenile delinquent to a father that lives and will gladly die for his family. All of my close encounters with death have planted the idea that “maybe it isn’t as bad as people say?”

Which brings me to these past few weeks. My life was finally starting to look up. I mean yeah I got arrested but that did not deter me from pursuing happiness. Believe it or not, I’m an innovator and an entrepreneur and I specialize in the business of “romance.” Writing, swiping and random Dms to women that fit my idea of “beautiful” allowed me to create content for those who yearn for authentic love, just as I do.

As life went on, the opportunity I’ve been waiting for finally fell right in front of my face. In the form of a dating app, I came across the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Seeing her beautiful thick lips and her perfect smile across my phone screen, left me in awe. Although I was mesmerized by her beauty, I did NOT hesitate. I don’t know about you guys but this was a woman I NEEDED to reach out to. Yo, I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. I mean, yeah I’ve seen big booty women on every social media platform, but she didn’t need to show off her body for me to crave her. That overwhelming need for her boosted my confidence in a manner that I have never experienced and I would never forgive myself if I didn’t make a move.

“Good morning, beautiful.”

Simple, to the point, and has never worked before. Trust and believe it didn’t work that time neither.

After days of no response I decided to try another platform because this was a girl I could not let go. I don’t usually make the first move because I was spoiled by my past girlfriends; they always came to me which in turn brainwashed me into thinking “I got it like that.” But also because if I ever did make a first move, it always resulted in no response or an invitation to have sex with a girl for $100. I’m not bashing sex work in anyway. Shit, I love sex just as much as the next Only Fans fanatic but I’m looking for love. Not an expensive nut.

Luckily, the one time I decided to be persistent, I was lucky enough to get a response. I mean, a few one word answers, a random delivery of edible arrangements and an order of roses amounting to about $260, I was blessed with the opportunity of a lifetime. Money meant nothing as long as I got to talk to this girl. And that’s where most of you and I are different. You are probably laughing at me and calling me a “simp” for hopefully catching the attention of a girl I want. But while the rest of you are being stingy with your money, having your girl pay you back for using your gas and buying her food, I’m using my money as an asset to hopefully brighten the day of a girl I want to make smile and one day call my own.

I can finally write about how I Met This Girl…

I’m confident that this girl is NOT materialistic. I was given a chance to spoil a new woman who could one day be mine, and I took it. Any chance I get, I will take with no hesitation because she gave it to me. And that I did…

A chance to meet a girl who is as beautiful as untouched snow after a blizzard. As gorgeous as the moon and stars on a country side view. And if she understood Spanish I’d sing “Más si dios te hizo más mella que los cielos y los mares” which roughly translates to “If God made you more beautiful than the sky’s and the oceans,” these lyrics being the most important part a song I’d refer to her. Because in all reality, her beauty is incomparable, inside and out and there was no way I’d ever miss this opportunity.

I don’t know where this will go. Maybe one day we’ll be a couple with equal ambitions and desires to grow as a team. Or maybe she’ll decide that I’m not worth the stress, never talking to me again. I have a tendency to ruining relationships that could potentially save me and make me as happy as I could ever be… But that’s neither here nor there. It’s the mystery and risk behind falling in love that provides a sense of ecstasy and excitement when putting yourself out there. Regardless of what the future holds, I’ll continue to keep a positive perspective.

I’ve been scared of rejection for way too long. I hated myself for “ruining” a relationship I now realize was unhealthy. And if I did propose to a woman that did not love me anymore, I wouldn’t be this new man because of the drastic step I fortunately took. If I stayed faithful to a woman who moved on and consistently told me “she could fuck whoever she wants,” I wouldn’t be smiling to sleep instead of carving her name on my chest.

I’m not worried about the future. I might have to spend over two years in prison or I may not even live to see another day because of the life I live, but at least I know that I finally took an opportunity to make myself happy again. I finally stepped out of my comfort zone and left this seemingly eternal suffering. And she has unknowingly given me the most amazing gift of all; The strength and confidence I needed to pull myself out of this self inflicted hell I thought I deserved. Aside from love, that strength is all I’ve ever craved from a partner. Now, I only look forward and have no intentions of going back.

Even though it only gets darker as the sun continues to set, she provided the ray of light I needed to help guide me through that cold and impregnable darkness I once called “home.”

Yeah it’s much too soon to make such bold statements, I understand that. I’m not saying I’m in love, and I’m not saying I know her intentions but I do know that getting to know such an amazing and beautiful person has made me happy. She makes me unbelievably happy.

Even if (or when) she decides that my needs are too much to handle and it all ends tomorrow before it ever truly begins, I could honestly say that I was happy today and will always value my decision to live again. To me that’s what I needed to stand back up. Now I’m sitting here on the same pedestal that was once knocked down, smiling at my phone like an idiot, all while discovering a brand new meaning for life.

For that I am forever grateful to her.

For that I will cherish whatever time she gives me.

– George Delgado, The Modernization Of Love & Infidelity